"Certificate of Completion"

Chair's final approval came on the 22th night, and L printed and sent my diss. via Fedex overnight early yesterday morning-- the morning of E's birthday.

Got the approval from OARD this morning-- they are obviously way more efficient than they would want you to believe--and around noon time, got everything done, finally.

The moment I uploaded the pdf file, the panic came back again, as it always did-- what if there're still countless typos? what if the abstract and Intro still suck? -- but i knew it was the end, no matter what, and i had to stop and click the "submit" button.

So that's it-- The End.

最后一个deadline 终于没办法赶，
我还在为Intro伤神，不知老师们几时满意。最后最后一段路总是最难走吧。

--６．２２。前晚收到SS信，说我改得很棒，我实在不知该哭该笑了，就是因等她，Chair刚又给了一堆意见，这下真是进也不是退也不是。昨天上午终于还是把最后又改了的Intro发给了Chair. 不知她什么时候能最后点头？

－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－
Eugene快过生日了。学校学的歌不用再要妈咪查资料来猜，能一句一句歌词讲给妈咪听了。那天，很久没玩幻想游戏的他，又来了灵感，居然把剧情从以往的具体叙述上升到了概念的抽象表演境界：要我们一个人作“晚上”， 一个人作“彩灯”，他是开灯的人，大家来演天黑了，灯亮起来五颜六色的情景，我们笑到喷饭。这人以后真可以去作导演唉！半年前那个淋浴时转圈，说自己是洗衣机的妙喻很是impress了一家人，现在的小创意更随意，拿个什么长东西放在鼻子前就开始作大象。一小块长条扁积木放在嘴边说他在吹口琴，倒真是惟妙惟肖。两块积木一横一竖搭起来，举起来就成了蛋筒冰淇淋，满屋子吆喝开他的冰店。我还真没想到过积木可以这么玩呢。

这么多年不敢想象的结束后的现在
我穿过整个中校园，关银行账户，还掉图书馆的书，最后印了些东西，
最后去了一次英语系，把Chair前些天拿给我的一本书放回她的信箱
在心里跟一切说再见
很多天的阴雨，
说晴就晴了
好热好亮的中校园
已经没有Shaman Drum了
不知道
还有没有机会再回来
其实，我总共只在这里待过七个学期
他们笑我从没看过夏天的Art Fair
其实我没看过的东西好多

好了，Sentimentality is bad
别过，Ann Arbor

I want to laugh--isn't this funny--
My chair really really really becomes a therapist for me, for which i like and hate her at the same time. she wouldn't stop driving me to explore the deepest secret behind my intellectual pursuit. Our meeting today, the very last one before my defense, lasted a bit more than two hours-- shorter than usual. By the end of it, she became sooooo happy and excited and relieved when she saw me bewildered at presumably the very original motivation of mine .
She found an ultimate explanation for the simultaneous vagueness and pervasiveness of "power" and "other" in my writing, my obsession with the "personal"/"political" dichotomy, and numerous other unsolvable problems. The direction she pointed to was enlightening. Perhaps, I am, ironically, dealing with my relation to the home, via texts in language other than mine own.
According to her, it's absolutely necessary for me to think about and write about this relation to the home. Only in so doing, said she, could I clearly show what I can contribute to the study form my liminal in-between position, which is potentially different from all those old exilic-writing / America-validating models...
So-- i'm going to write a "story" of my own, seriously, for the sake of the dissertation?

最后一星期

可以去EspressoRoyale会朋友，但我好象还是打不起精神坐在那儿写东西。里面放眼望去，永远不变的，有英语系的人，学生教授，总有认识的。好象是Angell hall三到五层的另一个延伸，总让我有压抑的窒息感觉。所以，一个人，我没办法去。呵，就这样毫无信心的八年，到今天。

在那里大约是最后一次跟C喝茶，谈我们失了踪的好朋友K。
也在那里请R喝咖啡，她会帮我做答辩笔记。万幸英语系里还有她这个能干朋友。

昨晚，当年教我开车的“教练”请吃饭。教练后来慢慢变成朋友，难得还能聊聊天。

好象在很认真地跟AA告别。一个一个有关联的人，别过。

五月里还能冷得象冬天的AA啊，我好象，终于不再爱你了。人家说的那种谈了经年累月的恋爱，要结束的时候，大概就这种感觉？眼泪和欢笑，慢慢都变成过往，人也终于变了，没办法回到从前。好奇怪，我怎么会难过至此？几乎自虐地隐隐希望，这一切没有这么快就烟消云散。这么多年来每天早上醒过来都因为课业或论文而生的心事重重感觉，难道也值得留恋？

明天要和Chair答辩前最后一次面谈。

Why do I have to be apologetic? I have no reason to apologize to anyone for my study of English lit. My English isn't perfect, but so what?

--Perhaps that's the attitude that I should have.

It's ridiculous that I could feel so bad about myself when the dream is almost true.

SS said that I should think about how to celebrate-- not for the past, but for the future. But what is my future??

Ten days before the defense, I'm still revising, and probably will never be able to finish. The chair tried not to be too harsh, but I know she wished i could have written better. yes, if only i had stayed here and worked more closely with her-- but that wasn't my fault, or anybody's. what's the point of saying this to me now, after all these years?

Anyway, i'll do as much revision as i can today and work as long as i can tonight. What will the draft look like tomorrow morning is already beyond my concern.
--------

I shouldn't have gone to the forum yesterday. More than ever before I felt there wasn't anybody to talk to. Gave a 10 minute mini-presentation, and nobody seemed interested. But that was ok. What really made me feel terrible was the fact that the forum I once loved was definitely gone, probably never to be found again.

-----
Hm... yes, it's indeed a time to let go of the past and think about the future.

Ann Arobr, one last month

Arrived last night, exhausted.

大概因为是最后一次在这里停留，走到哪里都是回忆，整个中校园让我心酸。
和以前要离开一个地方的恋恋不舍很不同，这一回，是别样的痛。

5/1
好象从来没有这样过，我一个人，坐在diag，等grad library开门。钟楼的声音悠长，满眼郁郁葱葱，多云的天。就像十几岁的时候，茫然的怅惘，在初夏，多少年，都一样。

电话里，Eugene的声音异常遥远，听他叫妈咪，真想抱抱他。

在AA的时候总是我寂寞的时候。

用手机拍了两张grad library相片。这小城，没有别的地方我更爱。进了门，仿佛全身每个毛孔都找到家的感觉，自在舒服。那时候，为了每学期的大小论文，在书架间穿梭，有充满希望的快乐，当然，写作时候的艰难困苦又是另外的故事了。以前，二楼的电脑是没办法编辑文件的，只能打印。现在装了office，可以就坐在那里写东西。我觉得我可以在那里永远永远坐下去。。。

松鼠们一如既往。只是没见到那个永远在ugli门前弹唱的人。