这么多年不敢想象的结束后的现在
我穿过整个中校园，关银行账户，还掉图书馆的书，最后印了些东西，
最后去了一次英语系，把Chair前些天拿给我的一本书放回她的信箱
在心里跟一切说再见
很多天的阴雨，
说晴就晴了
好热好亮的中校园
已经没有Shaman Drum了
不知道
还有没有机会再回来
其实，我总共只在这里待过七个学期
他们笑我从没看过夏天的Art Fair
其实我没看过的东西好多

好了，Sentimentality is bad
别过，Ann Arbor

I want to laugh--isn't this funny--
My chair really really really becomes a therapist for me, for which i like and hate her at the same time. she wouldn't stop driving me to explore the deepest secret behind my intellectual pursuit. Our meeting today, the very last one before my defense, lasted a bit more than two hours-- shorter than usual. By the end of it, she became sooooo happy and excited and relieved when she saw me bewildered at presumably the very original motivation of mine .
She found an ultimate explanation for the simultaneous vagueness and pervasiveness of "power" and "other" in my writing, my obsession with the "personal"/"political" dichotomy, and numerous other unsolvable problems. The direction she pointed to was enlightening. Perhaps, I am, ironically, dealing with my relation to the home, via texts in language other than mine own.
According to her, it's absolutely necessary for me to think about and write about this relation to the home. Only in so doing, said she, could I clearly show what I can contribute to the study form my liminal in-between position, which is potentially different from all those old exilic-writing / America-validating models...
So-- i'm going to write a "story" of my own, seriously, for the sake of the dissertation?

最后一星期

可以去EspressoRoyale会朋友，但我好象还是打不起精神坐在那儿写东西。里面放眼望去，永远不变的，有英语系的人，学生教授，总有认识的。好象是Angell hall三到五层的另一个延伸，总让我有压抑的窒息感觉。所以，一个人，我没办法去。呵，就这样毫无信心的八年，到今天。

在那里大约是最后一次跟C喝茶，谈我们失了踪的好朋友K。
也在那里请R喝咖啡，她会帮我做答辩笔记。万幸英语系里还有她这个能干朋友。

昨晚，当年教我开车的“教练”请吃饭。教练后来慢慢变成朋友，难得还能聊聊天。

好象在很认真地跟AA告别。一个一个有关联的人，别过。

五月里还能冷得象冬天的AA啊，我好象，终于不再爱你了。人家说的那种谈了经年累月的恋爱，要结束的时候，大概就这种感觉？眼泪和欢笑，慢慢都变成过往，人也终于变了，没办法回到从前。好奇怪，我怎么会难过至此？几乎自虐地隐隐希望，这一切没有这么快就烟消云散。这么多年来每天早上醒过来都因为课业或论文而生的心事重重感觉，难道也值得留恋？

明天要和Chair答辩前最后一次面谈。

Why do I have to be apologetic? I have no reason to apologize to anyone for my study of English lit. My English isn't perfect, but so what?

--Perhaps that's the attitude that I should have.

It's ridiculous that I could feel so bad about myself when the dream is almost true.

SS said that I should think about how to celebrate-- not for the past, but for the future. But what is my future??

Ten days before the defense, I'm still revising, and probably will never be able to finish. The chair tried not to be too harsh, but I know she wished i could have written better. yes, if only i had stayed here and worked more closely with her-- but that wasn't my fault, or anybody's. what's the point of saying this to me now, after all these years?

Anyway, i'll do as much revision as i can today and work as long as i can tonight. What will the draft look like tomorrow morning is already beyond my concern.
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I shouldn't have gone to the forum yesterday. More than ever before I felt there wasn't anybody to talk to. Gave a 10 minute mini-presentation, and nobody seemed interested. But that was ok. What really made me feel terrible was the fact that the forum I once loved was definitely gone, probably never to be found again.

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Hm... yes, it's indeed a time to let go of the past and think about the future.