a slow reader

The book I slept on, literally,
talks about late modernist poetics.
Jung, Olson, and the problematics of reading
Olson with a deconstructive point of view
put me into sleep quickly,
my face on my hands on the pages
of long sentences, ever turning
in their pretentious philosophical tone.
What drove me to this corner of the library,
exploring, in vain, the canonical names
as boring and dark as the sky of this rainy Seattle day?
The endless struggle with Chapter 2
is paralyzing indeed, "a nightmare from which
I'm trying to awake."
That's "history" in the words of Stephen Daedalus,
and I, I'm only a slow depressive reader
in a black coat, forever distracted
by the already gone fall colors outside.

家里七舅爷去世（因是妈妈的舅舅，其实该是"七舅公"?），　妈说,　可怜最后病得人事不清,　瘦得剩下一把骨头．　我在电话这头,　不知怎么安慰．　想了一会外婆,　自己发愣．　很久以前，　想写写外婆的故事，现在又常想,　算了,　为什么不散在风里,　水里,　天空里.　也会想,　我连奶奶都没见过,　妈说,　爸爸爱干净一定是象奶奶．　说是个瘦小妇人,　总在屋里四处擦洗.　我们的身体里,　都有她们的精神血液．．．外婆姓徐,　奶奶姓朱．．．

Eugene一天天长大，　昨晚和L说,　小人好象能懂很多道理了.　会说话以后，哭闹得少了．　大家都说他长得象L，我却总能在他脸上笑里看到我哥哥，甚至外婆.

家,　家,　家,　多么奇妙的概念,　是人,　是地理,　也是抽象的感觉啊．　

感触

终于在网上看了秦, 林1990年代初的滚滚红尘. 三毛的剧本以前就读过, 电影却一直没看过.
其实要说三毛的小说散文幼稚水平低, 估计是找得到理由, 但这剧写得实在不错. 也就她, 想得出把张爱玲的故事编一下, 弄出个紧凑完美的架构, 那样传奇动人. 尽管, 颇有些台词似乎欠自然.

和色戒比一下, 又不得不感叹, 张对她自己人物之冷是无人能及. 三毛的整个剧都洋溢作者对女主角的认同, 吸引读者/观众也跟着爱她; 李安也喜欢这样, 能硬给佳芝一个痛苦的童年来拉同情. 他们都是很好很好的艺术家. 但, 只有张爱玲是最最特别的. 只有她, 能冷静残忍地对自己的主角毫不留情, 揭开他们最隐密的欲望和罪恶, 让我们看人性怎样明暗交织, 善恶难辨. 而她自己和胡兰成的故事亦充满进退维谷的困境, 让人无法说是说非.

I don't know if it's the problem of my firefox or this long-loved blogspot has started disappointing me-- whenever I typed Chinese, the browser would just go down and everything went lost. C-r-a-p, I almost shouted! It'll be stupid to stop blogging altogether just because of this, right, especially when now I'm kind of determined to blog more in Chinese?

Or, perhaps, I'll just give up and keep blogging in English?

Anyways, it's been raining for two weeks, perhaps more, and I started wondering, together with Eugene, when we'll ever be able to go to the zoo. Elephant, Bear, Lion, Tiger, Giraffe, Hyena, Kangaroo, Gorilla, and his favorite--Oranguta. Why does a child love animals? I don't even know how to explain the very concept of "zoo" to him. I never realized it could be so hard. Why these cages? Where are they from? Why don't we just let them be in the jungle? Why do we have to "know" them?

dissertation的日程永远落后, 我每天都在想放弃整个PHD.
离ann arbor太远, 是不是个理由, 可当初三年费尽心血过了考试吃的苦, 就这么算了?
一晃这么些年, 最近, 连失败的感觉都淡了, 只是无味.