读后感乱涂

窗外的梧桐, 初夏的风, 我奢侈地享受
铁观音香潤如一句诗里的隐喻, 看定购多时周末终于到货的书
前卫实在不应该只是fancy节奏另类词藻以及科学符号当意象
我想掩卷大笑,
关于混乱的青春同性的情意和政治
政治无疾而终的理想, 有没有身体以外的探索可能
关于故国神游
除了俄底浦斯式的伤痛, 还有没有更新鲜的话题
是我已经成了这么一个jaded reader
早厌倦了不加解释的后现代拼贴?
还是, 关于这些跨文化作者,
我的疑问终于成形----有多种语言选择的时候,
撇开市场问题不谈, 我们为什么/如何选择一种语言写作而放弃其他?

十年前, 就是六月, 我在毕业离开北京前最后一次去表舅家, 看到他们在美国游大瀑布拍的录像, 心里阴晴不定, 因为挣扎了很久, 决定暂时把出国的念头放一放. 那时很难想象, 十年后的现在, 真的到了太平洋这一边这样的生活. 四月里去Buffalo开会有一晚去了大瀑布, 美东还是天寒地冻的时候, 我在冰冷的水雾里想起当年, 倒也没有什么感慨.

这些天坐火车在Davis和Berkeley之间来来回回, 看窗外北加州大片农田, 想起上大学时每学期的火车, 意识到那时梦想和憧憬太多, 还不太会看风景. 现在眼光比较安静. 在Davis住了这两年多, 从valley到湾区跑了那么多次, 都没有这些天火车上的景致让我更喜欢北加州. 翠绿的田地, 明亮刺眼的阳光, 荒芜海滩上跳跃的鸟儿, 画了一幅和硅谷里匆忙的公路上截然不同的图景, 只显得富足平静.

今天下午, 我从Berkeley美术馆阴暗一角的Pacific Film Archive里钻出来, 拿着一包玉米片(corn chips 怎么翻译?)补错过的午饭, 慢慢走到地铁站去, 有成群的本科生从身边走过, 花枝招展, 忽然就非常self-consciously地想念起曾经小小的语言学院, 和花了好久才喜欢上可是很快又离开的Ann Arbor.

speaking, hearing, and overhearing

So many of your books were written in the year
I was born, and the most beautiful one,
printed on white canvas, with double strings attached
to each page as if anyone could tie the book up
and silence it any way s/he chooses,
was made in December that year, the month I was born.

We were almost in the same story, then,
weren't we--when I first opened my eyes to the dim light
of a winter night, bathed in my mother's water and blood,
you were probably writing the cover lines,
depicting pomegranate seeds with impressionist
"red tears" and "blood pearls."

"Yes, 'idol,' i-d-o-l, as in 'I idolize you.'"
Am I idolizing you by reading, rereading, imagining, and rewriting?

Archival work

Went to Berkeley Art Museum/ PFA twice this week, and will have to go again next week.
browsing Cha's notes and documents for her video work yesterday, i for the very first time in my life realized how mesmerizing archival work could be. it was travelling back to a time through the precious manuscripts and old photos. exploring Cha's ideas through her own handwritten notes seemed to have brought me so unimaginably close to her that a direct conversation almost started in my mind!

又看丰子恺

http://www.zikai.org/

今早在网上闲逛, 连来连去上了这个网站, 重温丰子恺的漫画和散文, 不经意间, 感动到热泪盈眶.
小时候就喜欢看他那些儿童漫画了, 象瞻瞻拿两把扇子作自行车骑的小画, 早已经深深刻在记忆里, 每次看都忍不住微笑.
有了有劲之后, 对一切有关小孩子的东西关切程度自然更不一样. 今天看到那些早已熟悉的小画, 因为对小孩子的种种童稚又超出大人想象的举止有了切身感受, 越发倍感亲切, 更觉得丰子恺对儿童的天真烂漫把握得完美贴切. 而他那些关于自己孩子的散文, 记录他们童年点滴, 伤感他们(又何尝不是我们!)在成长中必然失却的原初性情, 真挚感人, 让我感动也让我惭愧.

有劲还不满两岁, 但美国人说的terrible two已迹象明显, 是家里捣乱大王. 开了冰箱乱翻, 乱拍电脑键盘, 故意往地上身上倒水倒汤, 不爱吃的东西从碗里挑出来扔掉, 任何事情不合心意必大哭不止, 凡此种种, 每每让我多有呼呵. 其实, 我是多么应该更好地珍惜享受他一生中最可宝贵的现在, 他不受纷扰细心观察一切的现在, 他无所顾虑时刻真情流露的现在.

一章又一 章

上一章写得辛苦, 放在那儿实在提不起精神改, 计划中要做的诗人采访还搁置着, 没什么热情.

这些天东看西看, 倒是联系了Berkeley美术馆去作下一章的准备工作. 关于Theresa Cha的那本书大家已说得太多, 我在想不知她的电影和installation art(中文译作什么?)作品里有没可以长篇大论来写的东西, 所以要去Berkeley看一下. Theresa Cha的东西似乎属于那种经典的前卫, 虽然表面看眼花缭乱, 但内涵清楚, 又有很具体的历史思考, 大概因此很受学者的喜爱. 在A2的第一年快结束的时候, 我对Cha简单直白却又充满疼痛的字句及其中表现出的对历史的洞察一见钟情, 这几年始终无法忘怀Dictee最初给我的冲击, 一度想就这一本书来写一章. 可是把已有的研究看了看之后发现这本书好象实在没太多好写了, 我那篇图文并茂的会议论文最多也就能做一章中的一小部分而已, 郁闷. 但愿下星期去Berkeley能有什么美好发现.

我们书房窗外, 几只blue jay好象想在院子里搭窝.

I've been catching up on the back issues of New Yorker, PMLA, Poetry, and Journal of AAStudies these days. The feeling is like having too much cheese cake-- one piece for an afternoon tea is perfect, but imagine having one after another nonstop for several hours and continuously for several days!

But for moments of ecstasy brought by words like these, I really wouldn't know what's the point of subscribing to all these journals and magazines:

"In the end, we all outlast the object of our adoration, perhaps because passion runs its course more swiftly than other human emotions, perhaps as a result of excessive familiarity with the object of desire." --from a story by Roberto Bolano, New Yorker of Nov 26, 2007

--Isn't the passage simply brilliant?