昨晚游Bellevue downtown

总忘了带相机，好在Eugene有好记性----

人造雪花
震天响的鼓
笑呵呵的雪人
明天会不会化掉
还有穿纱裙子的公主
从哪里来又到哪里去了
她给的棒棒糖是什么味道
还有还有永远不会动的木头人
红衣黑帽站在路灯台上
就为了给娃娃看的吗
短短二十分钟的
惊异和快乐
够不够
回忆
好久

For a second I hesitated.
Should I go up and say hi
in this children's clothes store
on this unlikely weekday morning?
Outside it's so freezing
snow has been falling in my mind for hours,
silently of course.
The moment I finally waved to her
with the discounted purple scarf in hand,
I knew she didn't recognize me
even though she smiled back almost immediately.

Morning reading

Fish on Palin's "autobiography"--

http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/12/07/sarah-palin-is-coming-to-town/

Eugene对Mozart的兴趣已经被 Vivaldi取代。
不象当初对那首费加罗婚礼序曲的热爱纯粹是天然反应，他喜欢Vivaldi好像更多因为看过的动画片里提到。今天用带Vivaldi CD去学校跟小朋友分享才哄得他上学去。
很快的，他的审美兴趣就开始被周围纷乱的世界影响左右，小baby时那些不知哪里来的喜好以后还会回来吗？

------
小人喜欢的小朋友Carina跟妈妈回了巴西，不知几时才会再来美国。上学就少了很多乐趣。有一天，我问他，宝宝今天和小朋友一起玩了吗？他答，没有， Carina不在，宝宝自己玩，等Carina回来了宝宝跟Carina玩。说得我都伤心起来。可怜的小人，几时才能等来朋友呢？

以前我不能理解有的人为了保护小孩子而不告诉他们现实的残酷。现在很能明白了。我告诉Eugene，等待可能会很长，但不知道怎么让他做个最坏的打算，因为Carina的妈妈在给大家的email里说他们自己都不确定几时才会再回到这里。就象上次为了那只死在地上的大蜻蜓，他伤心担心的样子，让我只好把死亡解释成好像Jirachi变成了光。可是，他仍然穷追不舍，不停地问，妈咪妈咪，那个蜻蜓的friends会来帮它吗？明天会来吗？会把它带回家吗？它还会起来飞--？

挥霍惯了时间，现在诚惶诚恐地努力。
安娜堡一趟，无暇欣赏秋色。中西部的深秋，和这里一样阴雨连绵。

Eugene慢慢变成了坚强的男孩，打针不哭，跌倒了自己爬起来，老师都夸他tough. 跟他商量事情，怕他闹，他竟说，宝宝大了，晓得了。情感的柔和细腻一如既往，悲惨的故事会让他一脸难过，会因为小朋友不稀罕他的礼物伤感。
世事人情风险，长大以后的他，也只有同我们每个人一样，独自寻找解决。

Dear Water，

好吧，就凑合着写下去吧。

今天在S.State上的Espresso royale 里看到了你的朋友N。他还是那个样子，我们两在发现对方的霎那都很惊异，an almost surrealistic encounter?我说羡慕他已经毕业，他以一贯讽刺的玩笑说不必羡慕，因为他已是"a broken human being"...

在已经爱上了Starbucks以后，再回头喝Espresso royale的咖啡简直是活受罪。好象除了焦糊味，一点都不香，包括那里的cappucino. 而十月底的AA，你一定猜得到，阴沉着永远睡不醒的样子。目之所及，仿佛都在提醒我没么值得留恋，是到了该结束的时候了。

好几个人都跟我问起你。

回去再跟你电话聊！

是不是搬家扔东西上瘾呢，我有强烈的冲动想把整个blog再delete掉。
（前言搭后语乎？）
亲爱的Water，好久以前我们就说要弄个合作的写作计划，几时能兑现呢？

清早趴在E小床上，好歹让他又睡了会，我自己居然还做了个梦，梦里都是关于论文的焦虑。

过两天，真的要全部清除了吧，就把Eugene的部分收起来。

Sad, sad things

刚刚跟Maria通了电话，才知道之前一直找不到他们的原因。去年年底一家人开车回墨西哥度假，新年过后往回走时，途中车祸，她先生去世，一个妹妹重伤，她同另一个妹妹以及两个孩子轻伤，这么在悲痛病痛里过了大半年。

我听着她说，难过到极点，除了抱歉，找不到话安慰。

我们一直觉得在Eugene一岁半时能找到他们家帮我们照顾孩子是无上幸运的一件事，Maria自己就是幼儿教师， 家里母亲是个热情善良的老太太，在外工作，也在家里帮忙，两个妹妹也都快乐和善，家庭幼儿园办得有声有色，最难得环境干净又温暖。她自己两个孩子以及其他五六个孩子都照顾得开开心心。Eugene自己吃不好，他们就帮着喂，Eugene嘴馋他们家的食物，他们就开心供应，Eugene不爱学说话，他们就花心思捉摸他的身体语言。Sylvia是Maria的大妹妹，性格安静，Eugene刚去时总抱着哄，她说话不多，Eugene却跟她最亲。Lily是小妹妹，长得最漂亮，常跟我谈她读书考试的事，喜欢说西班牙语逗Eugene玩，而且乐呵呵地跟我保证Eugene完全听得懂西班牙语。没太跟Maria的先生说过话，他大多时候在外工作，只见他们透着幸福的结婚照挂在墙上。偶尔在家，会看到微笑不语的面容和趴在自家汽车下面修东西的身形，想象该是个稳重顾家的好人。因为他们，我们觉得西班牙语温暖动听，觉得墨西哥人亲切可爱，慢慢和他们成为朋友。去年夏天搬家离开时，真是依依不舍。

春天时打电话给他们，总也没人接，觉得奇怪，还猜测是不是有事回墨西哥了。今天听到噩耗，真不能想象Maria怎么承受失去丈夫的巨大痛苦，还带着两个年幼的孩子，守着两个受伤的妹妹。Eugene曾经最爱的Sylvia阿姨仍不能行走。

Maria在电话里，说完伤心的故事，还不忘问我们近况。
唉，如此不幸，为什么降到这么善良的人家？
我们能做些什么呢？只希望微薄力量，能给他们一点点，一点点温暖。

过敏求医中有感

飞虫的影子在紧闭的百叶窗上划过，
窗外的树丛草丛和陈旧河道，引秋风里花粉一定沉默飞扬，
屋内新旧斑驳的油漆，经年墙纸，遥远的咖喱檀香，
不是诗意，
是我无处定度的过敏源，

冗长的化验单上奇怪的指数，
我一个一个勾出超标的元素，用隔绝视听的科学语汇
仍无法解释皮肤
向天气向空气向时间向空间向搬迁向旅行
发出的警告，

生活好像越来越复杂和破绽百出，
我倒好像越来越安之若素， 自己得意一下， 遂写几行以纪念。

那天去接宝宝的路上，带了MJ的CD听，买了有些日子了，总没工夫听一下。音乐一响起来， 竟觉得别扭。好奇怪，MJ的Pop，以前也一直喜欢的，怎么现在听着，这么吵呢？

听歌的热情真的没有了。
就跟宝宝一起听Mozart和Vivaldi的时候觉得音乐悦耳舒心。

有一天接宝宝回来，L感慨说小孩很容易孤独的吧，说他看见Eugene在室外活动的地方一个人爬在一个滑梯上吆喝着说他在开飞机，叫别的小朋友来却没人理他。又观察了一会，L说发现Eugene原来是想了个很复杂的场景，要求别人从一个门上去，给他机票，要坐在哪里，然后再从哪里下去等等，他英文有限，表达不出全套意思，别的小朋友又没耐心跟他耗明白，就都不加入。他于是只好一个人在想象里表演。

Eugene强大的想象故事都是要周围人配合的，在家里，有我们帮忙填上他想到却表达不出的地方，在外面，就没办法了。

我和L的结论基本上是人群里，谁能分享缤纷想象，真是个从童年就开始的问题。

讨厌自己的坏脾气。知道对Eugene大声喊叫是不对的，即便在他极端调皮不听话的时候也不应该，但实在不知道怎么应付他曾出不穷的捣乱和要求。 夜深人静，提醒自己，生活要开心继续，否则如何？最近对他拒绝睡觉的老问题已经不以为意，对他弄坏任何东西也不再大惊小怪，刷牙问题也解决了，这些都是我们大家的进步，那就在吃饭和收拾玩具的问题上接着努力吧。

有时候，坐在沙发上，听三岁的小人把我们当成想象里的弟兄发号施令，已经满嘴美式英文恶习：“you guys"这样，“you guys"那样，不是不感慨的。就在一年前，还在担心他话都不会说。

最近的常规提问已经从“为什么”变成了“。。。是怎么做的？”主题从一切家用器具玩具到食品到外面看到的任何东西，都一定要我们从原材料到成品详述一二三制作步骤方肯罢休。今天早上，就有这样的对话：

“妈咪，粉粉是怎么做的？”
“什么粉粉？面粉？是地里种的wheat...”
“嗯嗯，不是，是粉粉？”
“什么粉粉？”
“就是粉粉？”
“什么粉粉？”
“粉粉！” （眼看他快崩溃了。）
“哎呀，到底是什么粉粉？是你吃的ｆｉｂｅｒ粉粉，还是身上搽的粉粉？？” （妈咪我也要崩溃。）
（努力改善发音）“混。。。粉。。。？”
（我终于灵光一闪，恍然大悟！）“啊，你说的是馄饨！！！”
（终于笑了）“嗯。”
“馄饨啊，是要有面皮，有肉馅。。。”

流水帐

如果抽离自己的唯一途径不过是逃避，生活的吞噬力量，不抵抗也罢。

昨天，大学同学启程回国，我去把借给他们的被子拿回来，告别淡淡。

今天把家里打扫了。下午，让L去接Eugene，我在家弄肉馅，加白菜，用昨晚泡好的糯米滚了，做珍珠丸子。第一次做，没什么章法，胡乱垫了青菜叶在电饭锅的蒸笼里，二十多分钟出笼的时候，竟真有几分翡翠珍珠的意思。
剩下的肉馅，都包了大馄饨。 煮一锅，其余全整齐放进冷冻室，全都弄好，到摆盘上桌，自己对自己说，不错。

天还没黑的时候，门铃响了，我正在给Eugene找浴巾。来人自称是这片公寓的管理委员会代表，要登记住户信息。我赶紧声明我们只是租住，房东不在此，仿佛急于撇清，但被告知，租住也要登记。只好让进门来，从长计议。 寒暄，写字，又因为我难发音的名字抱歉地笑，等等等等，友好结束繁琐过程，small talk又继续了一番才结束。

新地方，窗户多且大，我坐着的位置，对着野生的草丛树木，景致寂寞。

晚上教Eugene拼七巧板，我深爱的游戏。

崩溃到无以复加之后，我们决定，不，管，了！

Eugene在被老师屡屡告状之后，对我们的询问除了无辜的眼神和对以后不再犯的肯定外，没什么别的反应。在家里无休止的想象表演的间歇，他偶尔会告诉我们老师不让他这样，老师不让他那样。有的，我会积极附和，让他听老师话，有的，我实在无言以对，只好就听着，不发表意见。

与其因为老师每天的意见弄得我们晚上也不高兴，不如由他自己去在学校寻生存之道，晚上我们还是开心玩？过些天再看吧。

Oddly, I feel trapped, in the cool air of a late summer morning,
so I read--

Someone's writing about her father's death, succinct and totally anticlimactic,
Someone's travelogue about Turkey, the stunningly beautiful remains of an epic past (in a pretentious tone way too much for me to like),
Someone's almost suicidal internal monologue,
Someone's short story, with a title word I have yet to look up,
Someone's column that failed to sustain my attention after the funny opening paragraph,
Someone's autobiography, which is so long I doubt I would ever finish,
Someone's witty haikus based on politicians' words,
...

At a certain point, I stopped unpacking altogether.

The heavy boxes with highlighted big abbreviations "Diss." have stayed in the messy uncleaned room for several days, and I wonder if the books and all those photocopied, printed papers are missing me. I certainly don't miss them.

Perhaps this is simply a consequence of several days of pure labor in the heat wave.

Now the weather finally cools down. How long the procrastination will go on?

为什么百年不遇的事总是被我们遇上呢？？？

冬天西雅图大雪交通瘫痪的时候我们躲在家里开着暖气感叹，怎么第一个冬天就这么特别？不过并没有什么受罪的感觉。
现在可难熬了。这百年不遇的酷暑，连日在100华氏度以上，可以和Davis媲美，最痛苦是商店里空调电扇卖断了货，还偏巧我们在搬家，我们简直掉进了一个大烤箱，对着一堆还没收拾好的家什，无处躲藏。天天带着Eugene在外面吃晚饭，找有空调的地方耗时间，回家睡觉的时候依然是煎熬。L在可爱的AMAZON订了个电扇，希望今天能到货。
夜里给Eugene打扇子，想我们小时候，爸爸妈妈在酷暑的夜晚给我们扇扇子，那种原始的夏天感觉，居然隔着太平洋，隔着这么久远的时间，又回到我身边。
热得睡不着的Eugene看着窗外，忽然就喊，“Moon----" 又说，“怎么没有stars???"

象爱小说里的细节一样爱生活里的琐碎？--！

一路堵车，让人烦躁，后来的那个瞬间，我不知道脚该落在油门还是刹车上，于是，车就原样过了路口，已经变成红灯的路口，我大惊，说，糟糕，怎么闯了个红 灯？！Eugene听出我的疑问，跟着叫出一联串，“妈咪，怎么办，妈咪，怎么办，怎么办。。。。？？？” 我长叹一声，“不怎么办啊，宝宝，回家吃饭！”

"妈咪，Have fun 是什么?"
“妈咪，delicious是什么？”

“。。。well, Eugene has these issues.. but we know he'll get better..."
"thank you so much! my husband and i really believe in cooperating with teachers. and we know you and mr. ... and the other ladies here are doing a terrific job with kids (马屁goes on as long as i can...)"

又要搬家。
夏天快过完了吗？

坐在咖啡店里看书的时候，很多很多句子跳进脑袋。

请大学同学吃饭，时过境迁的我们，
他们说谢谢，我们说谢谢你们来。他们说，这汤真好！我说，那就多喝点。

医生来信，让再去验血。
OK， whatever, 打电话，今天就可以。
我都奇怪，真练出来了，要是以前还不紧张半天？现在知道安慰自己， 很平静地对自己说，不会有大事，放松最重要。

已经连着几天被Eugene的老师们告状，说他不听话，胡搅蛮缠，恶行种种。
老师们摆出事关重大，家长们也一定要严加管教的架势，还说如若情况继续恶化，要大家坐下来开会商讨对策。
Eugene从生下来的第一天起就大呼小叫，状况不断。最近我们还高兴了几天，觉得他英文学得多些了，在学校里也开始说话多起来，会越来越开心的。谁知又有这样的状况。怎么办呢？
我同情Eugene的伤心，委屈，和叛逆，但我也看到他非挑战权威极限不可的心理会带来的麻烦和问题。怎么办？不明白，为什么这小子日常所有事务都要斗争一番？？？他不觉得累，我们已经累死了。

那天跟L说，以前不能理解怎么有人爱懒惰地度假，什么游轮啊，海滩啊，躺着晒太阳什么都不做之类，感觉上一定要爬山下水暴走探险，再不济也得什么找个古迹猎奇，学点历史文化，才算旅行。现在，在有了Eugene这种让人操心劳累无穷的小子之后，终于明白，那种懒惰的度假方法是多么有吸引力。疲惫感已经深入皮肤的我们，只想能有个地方，有块时间，能安安静静呆一会，什么都不想，什么都不做，就晒晒太阳，该何等美妙。

obsession

最近看了不少LOCI剧集。
最最初，就是喜欢侦探故事的。天性喜欢有原因吗？小时候，听妈妈说福尔摩斯故事和阿加莎克里斯蒂系列，后来哥哥也谈，印象是有趣的动脑方式，对问题的解答从蛛丝马迹里寻找线索，充满微妙的刺激。高中时零星看了些，大学里终于有整块时间为所欲为看闲书， 福尔摩斯一度是我想象里才华横溢的偶像。
青春结束幻想破灭的过程是对少年时艺术欣赏趣味的颠覆过程。流行音乐，无论中文的英文的法文的，全不听了，电影越来越少看，小说开始爱有历史深度文化复杂的悠长故事，诗歌却觉越简单越好。偶尔想起以前热衷的故事，看得更清楚的是自己曾经被幻像的吸引，对非真实世界的简单向往，和对创作者难以避免的过份信赖。
是多年文学评论研究生的课业吗，对读者作者的位置的习惯性审视让人很难再信赖任何虚构框架，或者，已经不年轻的我，对任何吸引和追随都有了反感的怀疑，好像已经不太可能深切地迷上什么东西了。
这样，LOCI是怎么回事呢？简单的一集一个罪案结构，特色是主角侦探的“当代福尔摩斯”定位，从极端细微的线索推理，又总有看似复杂但其实永远是“问题家庭产生问题人物”这样简单逻辑的心理分析来吸引注意力，而华生的位置上是个女性侦探，两人若即若离的关系也构成一大看点。
有什么特别好的地方吗？主角几近病态的天才状态？编剧掉书袋的小细节？配角越来越清楚的可爱？零星对社会的反省和对权力制度的讽刺？既有悬疑的感官刺激又有一个小时后所有问题都会得到解决的放心？
这些都不能完全解释我的喜欢。综合起来看，好像有种明知落入俗套但仍然玩出点花样的东西在里面。从情节看，弘扬正义的基调里，总有善恶难辨的矛盾露出来，抵制教化大众这样的简单线条。角色的设置和塑造，从语言到做派，都延着这样的线路，仿佛很逼真，但又常有可以让人察觉的酷，明白说着这一切不过是游戏。
多少年以前，我在NUS的第一个学期，第一次上讨论课。老师的题目是幻想：通俗作品。云里雾里十来个星期后，我鼓起勇气问老师，为什么他把所有通俗作品都看成科幻或玄幻，那些写实的算什么。他在课上回答，哪些电视剧哪些故事不是人们构造出来的虚幻世界，大众文化消费的舞台上什么不是做出来的，哪来的什么“写实”？
我想我是被他说服了的，真的，什么不是游戏。LOCI给我一种他们深谙此道的感觉，挺酷。

微软拼音

在停止看电影之后，我几乎停止读诗，偶尔看见的全都面目可疑，即使那些被奖被赞被吹捧的，我也提不起兴趣，我怎么了呢？中年了？老了？迟钝了？连决定要赖以安身立命的评论门类都要放弃吗？老师问，在这一章里，为什么要读视觉艺术呢？她说，你已经暗示了，却还没明白说清楚。我难道明白说，诗已经如此乏味，我要寻找新的刺激？

早上把小床上所有被单拆掉，放洗衣机，倒洗涤液，转旋扭，轰鸣开始充斥整个公寓。
用宝宝喝剩的香草豆奶对咖啡，味道很好。
吃宝宝剩下的早餐，担心他对新教室的新鲜劲正越来越少，又会厌烦上学。可是，在问题还没有来临的时候，我还是享受现在吧。

学了几首英文童谣后，宝宝开始背学校里的英文儿歌，我从能听懂的只言片语里找线索去网上搜，寻出完整版，再回过头跟他一起复习，帮他练习吐字。可是也有找不到原版的时候，就只好任由他自己念叨，　我们大半不知所云。

激情，艺术的激情，我曾有过吗？现在，每天告诉自己，做菜的时候要充满激情，否则，弄不出一桌五颜六色，谁也没胃口。

写过的诗，还在谁的信纸上吗，
喜欢过的歌，谁还会骑着破旧的脚踏车唱。
坐公车去美术馆的时候，我们都穿着什么？

对着电脑发了阵呆，忽然觉得我应该相信自己现在的品味。那些做作的诗，是他们的问题，不是我的。

Wildlife and Norbert Rillieux

First week in the Preschool classroom, we were told that Eugene was assigned a "topic"--Wildlife (see it's never too early to start doing research and presentation).

"Great!" was my answer to the beloved teacher. And the fact is on top of the housework and my own research, I officially start to worry about my kid's homework.

To comfort myself, I said in my mind, even Eugene knows google, bing, and yahoo--we sure can do it!

And yet, life always gets more complicated than we expected. Our printer ran out of ink, so we couldn't get those gorgeous pictures of prairie and rainforest animals down from the screen. What to do?

Of course, if there's only one thing that I can claim I've learned after years of study for a PhD in humanities, it's the skills of searching (yes, it's "searching", not "researching") in a library! So off I went. I managed to find a whole stack of books on wildlife with fantastic pictures. I dropped some books with pictures that might look too bloody, violent or terrifying to little kids, and some with too specialized content. I ended up with a few with bright colors and a variety of different aspects of wildlife. Among them, a book with beautifully-drawn animals on maps of different continents became my favorite. Eugene's class had been learning a "continent song"--the book would certainly appeal to the kids as well as the teachers.

So, dinner/reading (see how outrageous it is--Eugene loves reading while eating his dinner, which I actually liked doing when I was little, so how can i stop him from doing this?) time, I showed the wildlife/continent book to Eugene. it won him immediately; so did the idea of taking the book to school.

It was said he was very proud to show the book to his friends in their circle time, and that the kids enjoyed the book very much.

You think that's it? well, once it began, it would sure continue. Even before I got this first task done, there had already been another assignment: "Norbert Rillieux--what did he invent? How does his invention affect our life?" Gosh, who is he? Neither the PhD nor the PhD candidate in our family knows about the man. Looks like we need to do some serious research this time...

I may become an encyclopedia before I get my phd!

E-Birthday

It's Eugene's 3rd birthday.
He started going to the preschool classroom and it was such a relief for all of us. Hope all the stress and unhappiness of the previous room (mostly because of one the teachers there) will never come back and he will have a truly happy time here in the new room.

In addition to performing all those stories he loves and re-living all the shopping/museum and park-going trips in our living room, lately Eugene has come up with more real-life scenarios for his pretending/imagining/performing play:
--He would block the hallway with all sorts of things, then move a big brush on the hallway wall, and tell us he's remodeling the library and doing some construction work and the library is closed for now and we have to ask for permission for passing. --a flashback about our local library's renovation project months ago.
--He would collect several little bottles and try to feed "tylenol" and "motrin" to his stuff animals, saying they're having a temperature. --obviously due to his frequent sick days in this past winter.
--He would go into an empty box and stay there, pretending to be a little puppy and waiting for us to find him and carry him home. --i'm not sure where this comes from!
--He would have our study room be the check-in place of an airport and give his "baggage" to whomever sits there. Then suddenly he would give up the passenger role to become the pilot and drive an imagined airplane with a Frisbee (which is also the steering wheel of his imagined car). --he certainly remembers our last trip to SD.
--He would throw all the small puzzle pieces on the floor and then collecting them with a little set of broom and dust pan, saying he's cleaning the fallen leaves. --probably because he saw a page of people cleaning leaves in one of his books??
...
...

(I'm still wondering, though--what do you do when your child's teacher doesn't like him/her, and especially when you yourself don't like the teacher very much and don't really buy what he/she says? i know it'll be a problem if you let your child know that you disagree with the teacher and we've always tried to enforce the same rules, but emotionally it's really such a hard thing to deal with... anyway, i'm glad that we don't have this problem anymore, at least for now.)

清醒的声音

早上看到这篇书评:http://www.nytimes.com/2009/06/23/books/23thomas.html?_r=1
关于Michael Thomas's Man Gone Down.
作者对自己得奖原因和后果的思考和提问, 表现出一种对当下政治和与政治有关的文化市场极其清醒的认识, 那种不轻易相信任何表象, 时刻反省的态度让我想立刻开始读他的小说.

相比之下, H 这个我一直试图在人前为之defend作者就逊色太多了. H好象总想对舆论证明自己作品的受承认不是因为非文学因素, 但他有意无意的撇清却总因了实际上并不太出色的技法而适得其反. 如果他能对自己作品的市场接受进行深层思考和反省, probably his writing can become more interesting. His latest book seemed so tedious that i kept falling asleep over it on my last flight from AA. and i tried to finish it after i got back but decided to give it up. it's not that i couldn't bear the extremely bland style of prose; it's simply unbearable that between the lines of that prose i couldn't find anything as deep and thoughtprovoking as the author's name seemed to have promised. I'll stop defending him. for after all, i was just trying to defend a voice from home, or the home itself.

about the film I haven't seen

The official favorable reviews of Lu Chuan's Nanking Nanking made me suspicious about the film-- for years, I've found it impossible to like the officially acclaimed works. And then i'm relieved, sadly(because i almost wished my doubt could turn out ungrounded), to find different and thoughtful and very informative reviews like these:

http://blog.sina.com.cn/s/blog_49b4dd4e0100d41f.html

and

http://rna.blog.hexun.com/32183285_d.html

I'd like to do some historical research on this when I'm done with the dissertation. One more year. I decided that it would be too outrageous if i do more than 8 years.

快三岁了.

Eugene居然就要三岁了!

躺在床上长长一个人,小小crib都快不够睡了, 问他要不要买新床,无比恋旧的他当然是大喊不要.

近来最爱抱怨"睡觉太慢"--他发明的句子, 表示sleeping takes too much time, 他着急玩, 实在没耐心躺着呀.

自从开始去preschool教室适应环境, Eugene就不再说不要上学了. 正巧原来的那个严厉老师最近也不在, 上学忽然变得好玩起来. 对新玩具和大孩子产生浓厚兴趣. 放学回来, 我问他, 听不听得懂他们说什么, 他老实回答听不懂, 却还是开心的.

little gym一学期快结束了, Eugene各项体能没大长进, 胆子还是不够大. 可爱的老师一点不给压力, 鼓励有加, 还总花时间来陪我们这个差生单独玩, L和我屡屡谈起, 在对待小孩子的弱点上, 觉得很受老师启发.

最近的问答--
--明天是什么day?
--Monday.
--明天还要上学?
--上学.
--上次, Monday怎么是Memorial Day, 就不上学?
--是, 上次是holiday.
--明天怎么不是holiday?
--阿... ... (ft, 是不是holiday也不是Mommy我说了算啊.)

好象该改改我的blog主题了? Eugene已经成了中心.

深夜, 我们轻轻谈Eugene好玩的地方, 他居然是这样sentimental的. 一岁多的时候就曾因为看日落流露伤感; 前些时候有次路边野地里摘了小小蒲公英花给他玩, 拿回来后天黑了小花就慢慢合上了花瓣,他看到了, 立刻伤心起来, 好象小花的离去是天大的失落; 今天生病在家, 我开了电视陪他打发时间, 看到Pokemon: Jirachi the Wishmaker, 可爱的小精灵Jirachi最后因为救助朋友而幻化成光亮消散在天地间, Eugene就又难过了, 眼泪夺眶而出.

怎么会这样呢? L 说是因为遗传我,　可是,　妈咪我也是崇尚坚强的呀,　看NBA都是喜欢tough guy如C Billups.　怎么让小人tough些呢? 他倒也爱跟爸爸看球赛, 热爱游泳, 唉......

How are you, last night

With a "Ding---" magnified through the computer speakers, "How are you?" Your greeting popped up on the little window of my yahoo messenger, now rarely used given the countless other ways of online communications (such as google chat, MSN/window's live, Facebook, and the newly heard "Twitter"?). You and I both like old things, I know, as if clinging to the past will save us from all the trouble future will inevitably bring. Quite silly, aren't we?

"fine. thank you." Whatelse can I say. Diss. is going slowly, as always; plus it was the time of the day when Eugene started to feel so sleepy that he would make every effort to STOP us from taking him to bed. The whole apartment echoed with reluctance, resistance, and tiredness.

"how are you?? sorry i can't talk now-- will be back in about an hour?" As usual, it was probably two hours later when i got back to the desk. and of course
you were gone.

I'm thinking of writing a long, long, very long email to you. Believe me, I'm thinking of it every day. But again, what shall I say except
the diss. about Asian American poetry, which has been going on forever, the beloved baby, who is by now no longer a little baby, and his impatient teacher at the super-expensive daycare, the weird water coming from underneath the carpet in our apartment--how magic-realistic it sounds!-- the rain here, the problematic(?) tax return, and all the other details of my life that constantly threaten to drown my old dreams?

oh, but, we both love life, don't we, or we must say so no matter what?

Eugene的pretend游戏玩得出神入化, 任何动画故事或生活场景都可以用玩具家具各种道具模拟表演, 自己在想象世界里回味无穷, 还要求我们一同进入角色, 念念有词加上身体语言, 忙得不亦乐乎, 热衷程度几乎到了令人担忧的程度. 我只有去google -- 是这样一种search 和research的强迫症吧 -- 试图寻求有关幼儿游戏的研究, 并没有什么特别发现.
好在天气渐渐好起来, 应该能多带他出去玩了.

每天都不愿去上学, 爱哭的Eugene, 一定觉得学校很没意思吧.
不到三岁的小人, 每天提的问题多到我们应接不暇, 在学校里大概没人问, 不好玩.

--开车时候轮子为什么会动?
--停车时候怎么不动?
--飞机为什么会飞?
--bus, fire-truck为什么不会飞?
--今天为什么下雨?
--天上云多为什么就会下雨?
--怎么不下雪?
--树为什么到springtime就会长小叶子?
--Soap[洗手]怎么会有bubble?
--用water怎么没有bubble?
--[耳朵贴在桌面上听瓶子倒在桌上的声音] 哈哈, 为什么好响?
--怎么躺在沙发上听[东西掉在沙发上], 没有好响?
--为什么小baby会哭?
--为什么小baby不会走路?
--为什么宝宝小baby时候不会讲话?
--为什么宝宝还不长大?
--我们为什么要吃好多东西?
... ...

The Trip back Home

Sunday, 4/26

Yet another delay message is being given—I’m sitting here in the Honolulu airport, after a night at the lousy airport hotel because of the canceled flight, hoping this rebooked flight could take me home by tonight.

"The writing… it’s so bad, bad not even in an interesting way!" said the prof about a writer I’ve been reading. I feel I’m becoming less and less confident about my ability of judging or the accuracy of my critical sense. Is this writer really that bad? At least his first novel is ok…? And… there is this other poet that I really hate is said to have really ‘precise’ language, to which I have nothing to say. Is it my problem?

Or, perhaps the real problem is I always think everything I feel confused or frustrated about is because of my problem—the really really deep sense of diffidence. Somehow I feel even the repeatedly delayed flights are my fault too—I should have done the reservation earlier so that I could get one of those direct flights with perfect time and price. In the morning sunshine of Honolulu, I feel dizzy and tired and terribly guilty. Eugene must be wondering why Mommy doesn’t come back on Sunday morning as she promised.

手里拿着这本多年以前就读过,　复印过,　论文里引用过的书的新版,
我忽然发现自己不忍再看,　有种不堪回首的难过.　
怎么过去的论文,　总好象伤痛,　让我不愿回忆.　写作的过程总是
挣扎的过程,　要奋斗而抑制的坏心情,　
仿佛曾经的疾病,　偶尔要填在病历表上,　对自己都触目惊心,　几乎一种耻辱.

宝宝的歌, II

我想不再寻找了,
就等待吧. 华丽的诗句都是他们的,
我就等你说的妙语, 如珠,

--"打喷嚏"英文是什么?
--sneeze.
--no, 不是sneeze,
--啊? 那是什么?
--是 "bless you!"

从SD回来, 小小Eugene晒黑了一层, 好象补了一个冬天欠缺的阳光. 没想到他最爱海边, 只要海浪和沙滩, 可以永远在水里和沙里玩, 对我们为之惊叹的会跳舞的大鲸鱼有种不过如此的随便.

匆匆就是四月, 艾略特荒芜的春天.
早上和water在电话里聊诗歌的形式怎么分析, 真好, 有做同样事情的好朋友.

很多很多东西要收拾, 我在沙发上边吃午饭边看New Yorker,
总是这样沮丧的故事, 没看完, 我就把杂志丢开,
真的, 怎么快乐的故事快乐的诗那么那么少,
痛苦痛苦痛苦的文学啊, 我们怎么在这样的篇章里快乐地工作?

"随笔", 日式的随笔, 你说什么就是什么了,
我给她去信, 告诉她我找到的历史渊源,
她们自信地写诗, 出书, 我查书, 写论文, 用这样的字眼:
seems, probably, it is uncertain that, can be seen as
一定是我的问题,
越研究, 越没有信心.

给宝宝的歌, I

作了雪花的纸片, 和作了小狗的娃娃,
作了海水的地毯, 和作了火车的纸箱,
空中曾经飞过的小虫, 和遥远的以前你追过的猫,
都在眼睛里变幻消失和重现, 想触摸, 连回忆, 都在身边.
任何, 任何故事都在讲述里,
变成当下存在,
而当下不过是早上, 中午, 或者晚上,
其他, 好象都不要紧.
欢乐和悲伤如同, 一勺泼洒的汤,
瞬间只留印迹在你散落的画本上,
变成明天一个新游戏的开始,
其实不是, 没有什么是游戏,
一切都这样真实.

发现

除了前些天研究的电影其实可以用静止画面做到以外, 还有,

西腊史诗的源头不光有荷马 (当然, 还有无数姓名已被遗忘的诗人), Hesiod稍短的作品Theogony以及Works and Days等都应该算, 因为音律形式上的相似实在可观, 谁影响谁还不一定呢.

我好象永远在感觉需要恶补经典的惶恐里, 所有发现根本上, 都是对自己无知的发现, 这是怎样一种体验啊.

Monotony

With the nurse--
-Do you see your dentist regularly?
-Yes I do. actually i just had my wisdom teeth out.
-really, you did? gosh you had so many things to take care of!
-oh yes...
-funny we call them wisdom teeth, isn't it.
-[laugh, thinking indeed, what wisdom did they bring me?]

With Eugene--
-Mommy 今天是什么day?
-Thursday, baby.
-Thursday 过完是什么day?
-Friday.
-Friday过完是什么day?
-Saturday.
-Saturday过完是什么day?
-Sunday.
-Sunday过完是什么day?
...
[Repeated every day, over and yet over again. I'm sure he's remembered all of them but just wanna keep the conversation going.]

With L.
-I just couldn't find it after a whole day's search.
-what, what did you try to find?
- a theory about using still images instead of using moving images to make a film.
- still images can make a film?
-oh yeah... uh... Microsoft has a "Moviemaker" thing, right?
-o there's a big joke there... Once Bill Gates wants to use it [telling the story]
[almost midnight]
-[the story made me laugh] guess when i finish all this dissertation, i'd love to make a movie of some kind!
- sure at least you can make one with Eugene performing.
- oh no he doesn't even want me to videotape him singing.

With myself:
-really, what kind of movie do i want to make? an "experimental" one constructed with nothing but still images?

很久不写

宝宝自新年以来一直断续生病, 我们也陪着传染,
我这次的咳嗽很可怕, 昨夜到今天不停, 几小时无法睡眠, 好容易约上医生, 要等到下午三点半,
不住喝水不住咳, 看着表熬时间.
下个月的两个会, 文章都还没着落,
我连担心的力气都没有了.

连日阴雨, 冬末甚至又下了场雪, 今天好歹有点太阳, 但愿一切好起来.

近来

每每生气抓狂, 我自责不是个好妈妈. 因为论文心情恶劣, 实在不该. Water说得太对, 平静是需要努力修炼.

为什么总是在深入研究之后发现最初的兴趣了无踪影? 为什么越来越觉得有必要找更刺激的题目? 可是可是, 我已经开始连跨媒体作品和实验电影都拉到论文里来了, 还有更刺激的么, 在文学研究的范围里?

Eugene会唱歌了, 只是, terrible 2何时是尽头? 或者其实是我自己的问题, 要耐心再耐心. 这两个月, 带他去过西雅图美术馆, 小人居然对艺术品颇有兴趣, 尤其大小不等的雕塑, 被吸引的程度让人高兴. 又去过一次动物园, 有选择地看了几个他的最爱, 尽兴而返.

医生说我应该加倍喝水, 还很同情我带孩子写论文的忙碌生活, 真是感动.
早上精神大好, 走路去买咖啡.
今天, 我能写一页吗?
鼓励自己不焦虑, 耐心写东西, 质量考虑放一边, 先把东西堆出来.

Eugene用南京话已经非常自如, 会问为什么(更常说"怎么搞?"), 也会说"因为...", "然后...", 对早上中午下午晚上这些时间有了清晰的理解, 虽然英文还不太行, 我们也总看到很多和他一样大的小孩子更伶俐, 但考虑到他两岁两个月才开始积极学说话, 已经很满足骄傲. Eugene爱缠着我们讲故事唱歌, 逼得我们即兴创作了作品若干. 人说作父母也是个成长过程, 可不是, 我们已俨然有了信口胡说乱唱的本事. 最得意的作品有用"Sound of Silence" 曲调唱的Thomas火车之歌, 周华健"亲亲宝贝"曲子唱的宝宝爱豆浆, 自编自唱的棒棒糖歌, 和取裁于家里各个人回忆谈笑的童年故事系列等等等等. 每每逗小人高兴, 自己口干舌燥之际, 我会忽然想起, 多少年以前, 我缠着爸爸, 在他的字典上乱涂乱画, 不让他看书做事. 生活真的不过无穷尽的往复循环啊.

NYT网今天有个关于Chinese underground hip-pop的录像短片, 挺好玩. 我刚刚看过8Mile, 听一下觉得片子里几个北京孩子说唱的感觉还挺地道. 他们一群人里有混在北京的美国人, 所以腔调里的美国元素很显著. 但关于创作想法里的反主流教育制度的精神, 倒是说得很本土化, 不空洞, 不错.

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This morning i brought Eugene to the "Little gym" for the free trial class-- his first time in a "gym"! We've been concerned about his being timid in the playground and shy with socials, so we figure it might be good to enroll him in one of those group activity classes.
It turned out quite surprising--
As I had expected, he was reluctant to go into the gym room at first, nervous and mad when I told him that the rule here required us to take off our shoes and socks. But gradually he accepted the rule, and I carried him--still like a baby, sigh!--into the group.
During the whole class, he followed the teacher's and my instructions pretty well. He walked on the air-bag--considering he has never enjoyed a bouncy house like most kids his age, it was such a wonderful achievement I almost hurrayed at.
He played with the balls, and although he wouldn't try a somersault on a low beam, he learned and really really enjoyed somersaulting over a horizontal bar!!! First with the help of the teacher and then with me, he did three or four times altogether. Sitting under the bar finally, he said, with a triumphant smile, "tell Daddy Baobao did this!" All I thought at that moment was, hey, who said this one was timid?!

六年半以后

从阳历年想到阴历年, 我的New year resolution还没定好, 索性就算了吧, 无非赶快赶快写论文,
谁不知道文科PhD难弄? 我所有好朋友都已经问烦了, 已经没有人轻易不识趣地问, 什么时候毕业.
连小小的Eugene现在都知道, 妈咪要写论文, 写好论文才能上班,

已经六年半了,
当初当初, 怎么知道, 还有比教室上课不知怎么应对所有人口若悬河自己却笨嘴拙舌更痛苦煎熬的事: 养孩子和写论文,

这两个宝贝.

那天安妮跟我说, 想练中文, 我说好, 我们现在就开始, 她却害羞地笑, 说我还没准备好.
在咖啡店里她拿了厚厚一堆餐巾纸, 我问她做什么, 她说她爱在餐巾上写字,
我笑, 跟她说我曾经写过的诗, 关于在飞机上的餐巾上写字的诗.

春节好.

8 Mile

第一次知道这电影是好几年前教新生写作课的时候. 一个学生对这个电影里的一个经典剧照写了个评论, 细读作得很透, 又因为是底特律当地人, 对背景社会很了解, 深度也有, 我好象是给了A的. 那时太忙, 没空去找电影看.

隔了些时候, 看R的博客, 她学电影时写很多观后短评, 在众多欧片里少有地写到这部, 我又一次想到要找来看一下. 可当时附近的图书馆没有, 就又放下了.

一晃这么久.

今天路过录像店, 本来是想找个和论文相关的东西, 没找到, 忽然想起这部一直没看的电影, 顺利找到, 还正好不用花钱.

衰败的底特律和城里每晚喝酒游荡的年轻人组成的灰暗画面有强烈的制造抑郁效果,
Rap倒底是什么－－底层对社会的诅咒, 黑人对种族历史和现状的愤怒发泄, 引人入胜的言语暴力, 人身攻击，诗歌, 音乐, 都是?　都不是?
种族,　种族,　种族倒底是什么－－想当rapper的白人掉在黑人堆里想发出声音，想成功的黑人在这个世界出人头第，　哪一个更困难?
Eminem当年居然是那么帅的－－这也是他出名的条件之一？

看完电影,　又找了几首他的歌听,　
就觉得无味－－
丑陋，　这世界的丑陋，　那些好象可以征服却又根本上无法跨越的边界,　仿佛是毫无希望的了.　或者,　愤怒倒还是希望．