On the last day, it snowed heavily.

My more-than-four-hour meeting with S turned out to be a painfully confessional and retrospective conversation. My emotional chair kept directing my attention to my embarrassed position as a foreigner/non-native speaker of English in the English dept. why i told her about my interest in Chinese lit, i didn't even remember. And then her question, something like "why did you want to do this, appearing--at least when you just entered the program -- so out of your comfort zone," brought such a piercing pain for a couple of seconds i felt i was going to faint right there in her office. she wouldn't know, even with her lengthy post-meeting email that tried to clarify both her and my thoughts, that i haven't been feeling discouraged by the brutal job market situation. no, that isn't the real reason. what i'm struggling with is precisely the choice i made nine years ago--to apply to "English" departments in the US. why am i doing what i'm doing? S's question pushed me back to where i was in that very first semester in AA, faced with overwhelming challenges that made me want to quit every day... In fact, she meant to remind me of the necessity of acknowledging my particular identity as a critic, which seems the only way to sharpen my argumentative voice.

but, somehow, what i got from her words was: well, i'd better go back to where i'm from.

邮局寄快递回来

终于把第四章寄出去了。自己都不好意思，拖到离去AA只剩一个星期了。希望老师们不会不高兴。
写得匆忙，四十页都不到，印出来，看着没什么份量。只有叹气。

回头看看，这论文写了四年，消耗最多的是热情。之前所有紧张的，混乱的，兴奋的，期待的念头，变成键盘上敲出来的字，掺和了太多无法解决的问题和疑惑，任何推敲都好像成了无可奈何。关于诗句的纠缠，在勉为其难应用文学和文化理论的过程里，越来越意义模糊。不是失败，这感觉已经不是失败或沮丧可以描述。

告诉快四岁的Eugene，最后的最后，Mommy还有introduction 和conclusion 要写。在他夏天过生日之前，就能彻底完成了。小小的人，全都明白。

好像已经颇有一段时间了，陪Eugene看书不用再全部翻译成中文故事。 句子短小的书念几次，他就全背下来。他自己边翻边讲的样子，真仿佛认了字似的，很好笑。事实是，仍然拒绝学拼词、写字，或者任何“正经”东西。有时候，看着他的小同学们那么伶牙俐齿，还一众都能写会画，就很想他也能"fit in"， 可是也觉得，罢了，随他去吧，那么些自由的无拘束的想象，且让他再自在些时候。这么小，已经要在social institution里寻生存之道，够难为他了。

说到学校教育，我和L都有很多不以为然，中式美式，哪里也不可能让人满意。常讨论我们自己从小经历，以及这些年体会，深觉好老师之少见，各色制度之压抑，实在无趣。我们两自小表现不同的对所处环境的抗议心理，也一定会传给Eugene吧。去年为他总不听老师话伤脑筋，现下已然通了，尽量跟他说，但实在因为他觉得无聊要闹一闹，也就算了。除此，还能如何呢？