Encounters and Rewritings

2010-08-02T12:23:00.000-07:00

Michael Ondaatje's _The English Patient_

Saw the movie years ago, but forgot most of the plot. Somehow my chair likes the book very much and referred to it several times during our discussions of my diss. in the past few years, which made me decide to read it. (ft-- why can't i stop following what she said-- already a compulsive reaction to her words?)

Surprisingly, the language isn't quite my type. Guess the multi plot line/non-linear narrative is truly the strong point here. There's something about its colonialism-war-torture-sexuality-psychoanalysis stuff that I don't like--probably the underlying / unconscious pro-British stance (and in this sense, is Kip the Sikh the character that the author identify with the most)?

Different than Eugenides's (or some of Ishiguro's) books, of which just a few pages make me sure about my love for them, this book upsets me and exhausts me and makes it very hard for me to really "like" it. I quickly finished it over the weekend and returned it to the library on Monday, in an extreme hurry as if keeping it one more minute would leave some irreversible damage to me.

So, here's one more kind of "good" books: it is "good" in such a way that you don't like it completely but at the same time you know you will never ever forget it. (Other kinds: that makes you simply love it and want to read it again and again; that makes you want to write too; that makes you forever miss your experience of reading it for the first time...)

2010-07-30T14:01:00.000-07:00

Dear Water,

我想，还是不再开一个了。以前试过MSNspace, 几次都不习惯，国内的豆瓣我好象也有个账户呢，也懒得用了。看了看MySpace，也是厌倦，再一套个人信息登记，真真假假重新来过，好麻烦。就给你写邮件吧。或者FaceBook上长长留言。这里就留着回头再来吧，你说呢？

从很小时候因为搬家转学就开始有写信的朋友，活到现在，你是最近一段时间最可亲可爱的对话朋友。不管记点什么总有你听和回应，是我何等幸运。前阵子，有一天，翻以前的邮件，看到我07年夏回国时和你还有hualing的信，重读了半天，又感动于你们的关心，心里暖暖的。还有一天，我在华人店买了包瓜子儿给爸妈解闷，就想起你，还是在AA时在你们家聊天时总吃，这几年都没吃过瓜子儿。上个星期我在网上找电影看，又想到你说的《一一》，打开看了，却发现，所有重点早已因为你告诉过我的细节烂熟于心，再没有看的必要，索性关掉。

你论文如何了？交稿时告诉我啊，要替你在心里庆祝。

今天给hualing电话，谈了一会，我的电话死了，作罢。也不想长聊打扰你，就这样写信给你吧。我大约在八月二十一日走，先去教ＥＳＬ，机票仍待定。有太多关于这个工作决定的阴差阳错、争执犹疑，想讲给你听，但太多痛苦琐碎，也没办法电话里说，烦闷里，只觉我这八年每一步都是错。以后慢慢解释，还盼着听你劝慰。

论文加油，祝早日完成计划大功告成！

2010-07-28T14:19:00.000-07:00

家长里短的故事电影，我耽溺的不过是变了味的自己的理想。
我在报上的文章后写两句读者评论，却发现编辑根本不会刊登。
有日子没好好念诗了，更担心若再一次学术市场受挫，我究竟该干什么？

看多日不碰的通俗小说，好象不去想，所有烦恼就可以无需过问自行解决。
导师的信，依然是略带不满的催促，是，我仍然不够努力，要改的信，要投的稿，拖得不象话。

跟E说我们下面几个月的安排，他一副理解的让人心酸模样。
抱歉的我，怎么弥补所有过错。

夜晚，对牢一室微光，为自己一路追到三十五岁的文学研究不知所措。隔着海，二十年的好朋友还是那句问话，今年回来吗？我说终于念完了，她说恭喜恭喜。向收到所有其他“Congrats"时一样，我感动于她的关心，却同时意识到我还是无法真正为自己庆祝。虽然饭也吃了，香槟也开过，但，我知道，我仍然没有正视这个八年的结果，这个真正过程远重于结果的东西。这个过程让生活彻底翻转，把自己最不堪的的一面暴露在自己和生活面前。

其实，大概，也没必要想那么多了。

_Harvie Krumpet_

2010-07-18T15:45:00.001-07:00

Saw Adam Elliot's short film _Harvie Krumpet_ while E was napping.

The story of Harvie reminded me of what Prof B once said in a class on _Ulysses_ in 2003. Bloom has every reason to give up, to feel depressed or even suicidal, yet he carried on, in spite of all the ugly business of living... Somehow I've always remembered that little comment, the only thing that I really learned from all those painful hours spent on Modernism.

Harvie's life is marked by illness, displacement, and a lot of bad luck. He's never defeated though-- no, it's not precise to comment this way, because for him life is not a question of fighting. Instead, it is simply a journey you go on naturally no matter what. His "carp diem" and naturalist philosophy, which comes as much from the "Horace" epiphany as from a residual memory about his parents, is perhaps just a little effort to make the journey a bit more pleasant.

[Reading the above paragraph again I realized the over use of "to be" sentences -- a problem Prof B pointed out in my term papers that same year. My writing still sucks.]

2010-07-16T10:51:00.001-07:00

In the dream, I was reading the book my chair recommended, one on psychoanalysis. I remember leafing through the book in the dream, trying to find the key word with which I was most concerned: shame. Did I find it at all? Only the image of black prints on white pages vaguely stayed in my mind.

We woke up to a day much cooler than yesterday. All our hysteric screams last night faded away, and the apartment seemed oddly empty.

2010-07-06T15:50:00.001-07:00

Summer seemed to have forgotten the Seattle area entirely, until today.

Because of E, we "celebrated" the 4th of July seriously like never before. Went to a parade, in spite of the impossibly terrible weather-- there were people in wintry coats everywhere. And E had his raincoat hood on the whole time. He came across the word/concept "parade" multiple times in the past year and finally got to see what it really meant (although he has been to one before--the awesome and famous one of the Davis' Picnic Day--he was too young at the time to remember it). More exciting were the fireworks, which followed a pretty nice concert of the Bellevue Philharmonic. E's interest in the music and the various instruments in the orchestra seemed genuine and made us happy. The fireworks didn't start until 10:05pm, and he was already tired and sleepy by then. Yet the splendid light and color attracted him, and he said his favorite fireworks were those of the golden color. I remember last fall, he often said he liked golden and yellow leaves better than those red red ones...

We're still working on temper control.

天水围的日与夜

2010-07-03T23:51:00.000-07:00

很久没看过这么好的电影了。
或者，“好”根本无法表达出我的感觉。白描，几乎没有情节的叙事，却感动无处不在。普罗大众的柴米油盐可以这样近乎纪录片式地记录，但同时显露艺术安排的熨贴巧妙。表现伤感，但丝毫不过多渲染滥情，影片结束真真是余味无穷。

许鞍华在这里的白描，让我想到看贾樟柯时的遗憾。我看过贾的三部片，明白他的社会关怀意图和记录目的，但总觉得缺点什么让我真正喜欢。回味许的手法和取材让我看清自己的偏好：天水围这样的白描是温情的，“美”通过生活真实细节里彰显的“善”表现，即便时有难以承受的人情冷暖，但希望不会破灭。贾的作品，想来想去竟是绝望的。

忽然就真的绝望起来：原因在他描述的社会吧。那形式呢？我还是应该仔细分析一下。

近期新目标：把许鞍华全部电影看一遍。

原来，我不是对电影整个没了兴趣，　哈哈。

"Certificate of Completion"

2010-06-24T13:38:00.000-07:00

Chair's final approval came on the 22th night, and L printed and sent my diss. via Fedex overnight early yesterday morning-- the morning of E's birthday.

Got the approval from OARD this morning-- they are obviously way more efficient than they would want you to believe--and around noon time, got everything done, finally.

The moment I uploaded the pdf file, the panic came back again, as it always did-- what if there're still countless typos? what if the abstract and Intro still suck? -- but i knew it was the end, no matter what, and i had to stop and click the "submit" button.

So that's it-- The End.

2010-06-20T13:07:00.000-07:00

最后一个deadline 终于没办法赶，
我还在为Intro伤神，不知老师们几时满意。最后最后一段路总是最难走吧。

--６．２２。前晚收到SS信，说我改得很棒，我实在不知该哭该笑了，就是因等她，Chair刚又给了一堆意见，这下真是进也不是退也不是。昨天上午终于还是把最后又改了的Intro发给了Chair. 不知她什么时候能最后点头？

－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－
Eugene快过生日了。学校学的歌不用再要妈咪查资料来猜，能一句一句歌词讲给妈咪听了。那天，很久没玩幻想游戏的他，又来了灵感，居然把剧情从以往的具体叙述上升到了概念的抽象表演境界：要我们一个人作“晚上”，一个人作“彩灯”，他是开灯的人，大家来演天黑了，灯亮起来五颜六色的情景，我们笑到喷饭。这人以后真可以去作导演唉！半年前那个淋浴时转圈，说自己是洗衣机的妙喻很是impress了一家人，现在的小创意更随意，拿个什么长东西放在鼻子前就开始作大象。一小块长条扁积木放在嘴边说他在吹口琴，倒真是惟妙惟肖。两块积木一横一竖搭起来，举起来就成了蛋筒冰淇淋，满屋子吆喝开他的冰店。我还真没想到过积木可以这么玩呢。

2010-05-20T09:45:00.000-07:00

这么多年不敢想象的结束后的现在
我穿过整个中校园，关银行账户，还掉图书馆的书，最后印了些东西，
最后去了一次英语系，把Chair前些天拿给我的一本书放回她的信箱
在心里跟一切说再见
很多天的阴雨，
说晴就晴了
好热好亮的中校园
已经没有Shaman Drum了
不知道
还有没有机会再回来
其实，我总共只在这里待过七个学期
他们笑我从没看过夏天的Art Fair
其实我没看过的东西好多

好了，Sentimentality is bad
别过，Ann Arbor

2010-05-13T12:23:00.001-07:00

I want to laugh--isn't this funny--
My chair really really really becomes a therapist for me, for which i like and hate her at the same time. she wouldn't stop driving me to explore the deepest secret behind my intellectual pursuit. Our meeting today, the very last one before my defense, lasted a bit more than two hours-- shorter than usual. By the end of it, she became sooooo happy and excited and relieved when she saw me bewildered at presumably the very original motivation of mine .
She found an ultimate explanation for the simultaneous vagueness and pervasiveness of "power" and "other" in my writing, my obsession with the "personal"/"political" dichotomy, and numerous other unsolvable problems. The direction she pointed to was enlightening. Perhaps, I am, ironically, dealing with my relation to the home, via texts in language other than mine own.
According to her, it's absolutely necessary for me to think about and write about this relation to the home. Only in so doing, said she, could I clearly show what I can contribute to the study form my liminal in-between position, which is potentially different from all those old exilic-writing / America-validating models...
So-- i'm going to write a "story" of my own, seriously, for the sake of the dissertation?

最后一星期

2010-05-12T12:30:00.001-07:00

可以去EspressoRoyale会朋友，但我好象还是打不起精神坐在那儿写东西。里面放眼望去，永远不变的，有英语系的人，学生教授，总有认识的。好象是Angell hall三到五层的另一个延伸，总让我有压抑的窒息感觉。所以，一个人，我没办法去。呵，就这样毫无信心的八年，到今天。

在那里大约是最后一次跟C喝茶，谈我们失了踪的好朋友K。
也在那里请R喝咖啡，她会帮我做答辩笔记。万幸英语系里还有她这个能干朋友。

昨晚，当年教我开车的“教练”请吃饭。教练后来慢慢变成朋友，难得还能聊聊天。

好象在很认真地跟AA告别。一个一个有关联的人，别过。

五月里还能冷得象冬天的AA啊，我好象，终于不再爱你了。人家说的那种谈了经年累月的恋爱，要结束的时候，大概就这种感觉？眼泪和欢笑，慢慢都变成过往，人也终于变了，没办法回到从前。好奇怪，我怎么会难过至此？几乎自虐地隐隐希望，这一切没有这么快就烟消云散。这么多年来每天早上醒过来都因为课业或论文而生的心事重重感觉，难道也值得留恋？

明天要和Chair答辩前最后一次面谈。

2010-05-09T10:24:00.000-07:00

Why do I have to be apologetic? I have no reason to apologize to anyone for my study of English lit. My English isn't perfect, but so what?

--Perhaps that's the attitude that I should have.

It's ridiculous that I could feel so bad about myself when the dream is almost true.

SS said that I should think about how to celebrate-- not for the past, but for the future. But what is my future??

Ten days before the defense, I'm still revising, and probably will never be able to finish. The chair tried not to be too harsh, but I know she wished i could have written better. yes, if only i had stayed here and worked more closely with her-- but that wasn't my fault, or anybody's. what's the point of saying this to me now, after all these years?

Anyway, i'll do as much revision as i can today and work as long as i can tonight. What will the draft look like tomorrow morning is already beyond my concern.
--------

I shouldn't have gone to the forum yesterday. More than ever before I felt there wasn't anybody to talk to. Gave a 10 minute mini-presentation, and nobody seemed interested. But that was ok. What really made me feel terrible was the fact that the forum I once loved was definitely gone, probably never to be found again.

-----
Hm... yes, it's indeed a time to let go of the past and think about the future.

Ann Arobr, one last month

2010-04-28T18:45:00.000-07:00

Arrived last night, exhausted.

大概因为是最后一次在这里停留，走到哪里都是回忆，整个中校园让我心酸。
和以前要离开一个地方的恋恋不舍很不同，这一回，是别样的痛。

5/1
好象从来没有这样过，我一个人，坐在diag，等grad library开门。钟楼的声音悠长，满眼郁郁葱葱，多云的天。就像十几岁的时候，茫然的怅惘，在初夏，多少年，都一样。

电话里，Eugene的声音异常遥远，听他叫妈咪，真想抱抱他。

在AA的时候总是我寂寞的时候。

用手机拍了两张grad library相片。这小城，没有别的地方我更爱。进了门，仿佛全身每个毛孔都找到家的感觉，自在舒服。那时候，为了每学期的大小论文，在书架间穿梭，有充满希望的快乐，当然，写作时候的艰难困苦又是另外的故事了。以前，二楼的电脑是没办法编辑文件的，只能打印。现在装了office，可以就坐在那里写东西。我觉得我可以在那里永远永远坐下去。。。

松鼠们一如既往。只是没见到那个永远在ugli门前弹唱的人。

Cinderella

2010-04-14T15:25:00.000-07:00

忙里偷闲，瞧了些新近流行的中文“偶像剧”。

爱情故事总也脱不了灰姑娘童话的套路。
为什么总是要把剧情编成这样，可爱女孩要靠钻石王老五的爱情拯救，是女人永远爱做这样的梦，还是男人非靠这样的框架满足自己的虚荣？

一边习惯性地嘲笑无聊，一边也意识到，我其实不过是被娱乐的电视观众中的一个。而且，而且，年少时喜欢向往的沧桑感觉再也没有吸引力，青春已然过去的现在，终于发现，年轻的笑容，单纯的美就算只是skin-deep, 确实可以让人忘掉些烦恼，很好很好。

是我在变老吗？还是，关于深度的研究，让我疲惫？

八年前的我，怎么会想到，在关于文学博士的梦想就要实现的时候，我会发现自己，其实，也爱明星帅哥？？

2010-04-12T23:43:00.000-07:00

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/04/11/books/review/Fried-t.html?ref=books

So he has it as the title poem of a new book now. and i need to get a copy. yes. for the tears it brought to my eyes when i listened to his reading, for the first time in my life. would never forget the experience-- crying over a poem heard, feeling extremely sad yet lucky to be there in the audience...

-----------
Bought a pot, soil, gardening tools for a Osteospermum/African Daisy/Blue-eyed Daisy, and Eugene had a wonderful time taking care of the flower. The first afternoon, he stayed beside the pot and wouldn't leave it, saying he'd keep her company.

2010-04-06T09:42:00.000-07:00

I'm glad that I still have the interest for Poetrydaily.
http://poetrydaily.net/poem.php?date=14706
Today's poet is brilliant in catching details-- making lovely little narratives.

Robert Hass's poem "Some of David's Story"

2010-03-31T16:12:00.000-07:00

http://poetrydaily.net/poem.php?date=14700

I read the poem aloud, to myself, in the sunny afternoon. I was back from Starbucks, in the middle of a messy room, sleepy and disoriented because of the sleepiness, my intro still needing 6 more pages. Gosh, the poem is breathtaking. I thought of the crappy poems and fiction about 6/4 that I've read. About youth, love, sex, political ideals and disillusionment, nothing could be better than this piece. Without fancy phrasing, it just tells a little story, the ending of which is even predicable. The suggested sadness cannot even be said to be "profound." Yet, everything about love, about the time when the world just started to unfold in front of you as it was, is there. And all I can do, as a reader, is--simply to remember, to feel.

"To a Young Poet" by Mahmoud Darwish

2010-03-22T11:00:00.000-07:00

Brilliant!!

http://www.poetryfoundation.org/archive/poem.html?id=238836

爱好

2010-03-18T11:15:00.000-07:00

Eugene不知怎么知道angels都长着翅膀，很笃定地说，鸟儿们也有翅膀，它们是angels! 且不论逻辑缺陷，我觉得这说法好可爱：）

一直没有记他最大的爱好，是对工程机械类事物的激情。大概是工程师爷爷和学工程的爸爸还有舅舅的真传。一两岁，看到爸爸的工具就两眼放光，摆弄玩具工具能玩好久。至今已拆坏遥控车一辆，挂钟一个。两岁的冬天不断因为流感病在家里，偶尔给他看电视，迷上了动画片Bob the Builder系列。家里要是有什么东西坏了要修理，对他来说定是天大的趣事。从此认识了所有建筑工地专用车和器具，专有名词说起来，如数家珍。对任何建筑修理土木机械相关事情，无不聚精会神，在家的时间，多数以Bob自居，指着墙上他贴的Bob图画说是他自己照片。各类拼图玩具积木lego更是因情形被他指定为沙砾水泥，各种建筑材料不一而足，每天忙于运输修桥铺路。除此之外，Eugene另有奇异爱好——吸尘器。家里没有大吸尘器给他玩，就每次去Costco时要求去吸尘器货架玩样品。摆放在外面展示的所有类型，他都要我们帮着拿下来研究，附带管子有多长，有没有刷子，开关在哪里，扶手怎么放平调方向，吸进去的灰尘收集在哪里，脏盒子怎么拿下来清洗，等等等等。一般的大吸尘器都比他还高还大，他定要自己推推看，每次玩半天，恋恋不舍。天然喜好对学习真是有影响的吧，因为这样的兴趣，Eugene第一本会背的小书题为_Machines at Work_，给他读了两次，他就滚瓜烂熟。

难道，爱古典音乐又有点多愁善感的Eugene，以后，也会去学Engineering？

2010-03-10T14:26:00.000-08:00

亲爱的，我在鼓励你催你行动的时候，也在劝自己。

抑郁的朋友，坏脾气的我，春天了吗，樱花都落了，这是不是黑暗的最后，
最后以后，我们都会快乐吗？你看你看，生活都把你炼成这样柔韧坚强了，我
不知道该哭该笑。
我都知道，你的痛苦，也是我白天暗夜里，神伤的感受。

2010-02-28T15:56:00.000-08:00

On the last day, it snowed heavily.

My more-than-four-hour meeting with S turned out to be a painfully confessional and retrospective conversation. My emotional chair kept directing my attention to my embarrassed position as a foreigner/non-native speaker of English in the English dept. why i told her about my interest in Chinese lit, i didn't even remember. And then her question, something like "why did you want to do this, appearing--at least when you just entered the program -- so out of your comfort zone," brought such a piercing pain for a couple of seconds i felt i was going to faint right there in her office. she wouldn't know, even with her lengthy post-meeting email that tried to clarify both her and my thoughts, that i haven't been feeling discouraged by the brutal job market situation. no, that isn't the real reason. what i'm struggling with is precisely the choice i made nine years ago--to apply to "English" departments in the US. why am i doing what i'm doing? S's question pushed me back to where i was in that very first semester in AA, faced with overwhelming challenges that made me want to quit every day... In fact, she meant to remind me of the necessity of acknowledging my particular identity as a critic, which seems the only way to sharpen my argumentative voice.

but, somehow, what i got from her words was: well, i'd better go back to where i'm from.

邮局寄快递回来

2010-02-12T11:19:00.000-08:00

终于把第四章寄出去了。自己都不好意思，拖到离去AA只剩一个星期了。希望老师们不会不高兴。
写得匆忙，四十页都不到，印出来，看着没什么份量。只有叹气。

回头看看，这论文写了四年，消耗最多的是热情。之前所有紧张的，混乱的，兴奋的，期待的念头，变成键盘上敲出来的字，掺和了太多无法解决的问题和疑惑，任何推敲都好像成了无可奈何。关于诗句的纠缠，在勉为其难应用文学和文化理论的过程里，越来越意义模糊。不是失败，这感觉已经不是失败或沮丧可以描述。

告诉快四岁的Eugene，最后的最后，Mommy还有introduction 和conclusion 要写。在他夏天过生日之前，就能彻底完成了。小小的人，全都明白。

2010-02-02T10:27:00.000-08:00

好像已经颇有一段时间了，陪Eugene看书不用再全部翻译成中文故事。句子短小的书念几次，他就全背下来。他自己边翻边讲的样子，真仿佛认了字似的，很好笑。事实是，仍然拒绝学拼词、写字，或者任何“正经”东西。有时候，看着他的小同学们那么伶牙俐齿，还一众都能写会画，就很想他也能"fit in"，可是也觉得，罢了，随他去吧，那么些自由的无拘束的想象，且让他再自在些时候。这么小，已经要在social institution里寻生存之道，够难为他了。

说到学校教育，我和L都有很多不以为然，中式美式，哪里也不可能让人满意。常讨论我们自己从小经历，以及这些年体会，深觉好老师之少见，各色制度之压抑，实在无趣。我们两自小表现不同的对所处环境的抗议心理，也一定会传给Eugene吧。去年为他总不听老师话伤脑筋，现下已然通了，尽量跟他说，但实在因为他觉得无聊要闹一闹，也就算了。除此，还能如何呢？

Writing the last chapter, standing

2010-01-26T11:22:00.001-08:00

[ ]

2010-01-26T10:13:00.000-08:00

It's been quite a while since I consciously paid attention to usage, style, grammar, and new vocabulary while reading. The habit of constant language learning I had as a English learner/English major in China seems long gone. Not that my English has improved to such a stage that learning is no longer as necessary as before; it's just boredom, I guess, as if you keep eating/drinking something regularly. At last its initially exciting taste will become part of your breath, your daily routine, and will no longer bring any sensation to tongue, like rice, or green tea... Anyway, to break from this boredom and situation of unlearning--

this morning, I decided to buy a copy of Garner's Modern American Usage sometime soon and to start seriously reading NYT's Grammar and Usage column every Tuesday.

Yes, i need to do something, instead of indulging myself in self-questioning.

2010-01-06T10:42:00.000-08:00

路上的张灯结彩的装饰慢慢都拆掉了，
年节过后的寥落，Eugene都感觉得到，
我说，没关系，我们回家还是可以开我们自己的小彩灯啊，
他说好，但我知道那种同意里的无奈味道。

我今年很乖地给各地的导师们写新年快乐的邮件，
并各处表决心说明近期工作计划，无非借此督促自己
完成了结计划。
对，就是这八年的了结。
多少年前，到南京联谊的台湾小学姐，
在给我的小小卡片上写时光匆匆，曾经不再之类的话，
今天怎么竟想起。
十几岁，当时自有天真的沧桑体会，
现在，更多索然，不再轻易感叹。

昨晚游Bellevue downtown

2009-12-21T10:42:00.000-08:00

总忘了带相机，好在Eugene有好记性----

人造雪花
震天响的鼓
笑呵呵的雪人
明天会不会化掉
还有穿纱裙子的公主
从哪里来又到哪里去了
她给的棒棒糖是什么味道
还有还有永远不会动的木头人
红衣黑帽站在路灯台上
就为了给娃娃看的吗
短短二十分钟的
惊异和快乐
够不够
回忆
好久

2009-12-09T14:39:00.000-08:00

For a second I hesitated.
Should I go up and say hi
in this children's clothes store
on this unlikely weekday morning?
Outside it's so freezing
snow has been falling in my mind for hours,
silently of course.
The moment I finally waved to her
with the discounted purple scarf in hand,
I knew she didn't recognize me
even though she smiled back almost immediately.

Morning reading

2009-12-08T11:04:00.000-08:00

Fish on Palin's "autobiography"--

http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/12/07/sarah-palin-is-coming-to-town/

2009-12-03T15:32:00.000-08:00

Eugene对Mozart的兴趣已经被 Vivaldi取代。
不象当初对那首费加罗婚礼序曲的热爱纯粹是天然反应，他喜欢Vivaldi好像更多因为看过的动画片里提到。今天用带Vivaldi CD去学校跟小朋友分享才哄得他上学去。
很快的，他的审美兴趣就开始被周围纷乱的世界影响左右，小baby时那些不知哪里来的喜好以后还会回来吗？

------
小人喜欢的小朋友Carina跟妈妈回了巴西，不知几时才会再来美国。上学就少了很多乐趣。有一天，我问他，宝宝今天和小朋友一起玩了吗？他答，没有， Carina不在，宝宝自己玩，等Carina回来了宝宝跟Carina玩。说得我都伤心起来。可怜的小人，几时才能等来朋友呢？

以前我不能理解有的人为了保护小孩子而不告诉他们现实的残酷。现在很能明白了。我告诉Eugene，等待可能会很长，但不知道怎么让他做个最坏的打算，因为Carina的妈妈在给大家的email里说他们自己都不确定几时才会再回到这里。就象上次为了那只死在地上的大蜻蜓，他伤心担心的样子，让我只好把死亡解释成好像Jirachi变成了光。可是，他仍然穷追不舍，不停地问，妈咪妈咪，那个蜻蜓的friends会来帮它吗？明天会来吗？会把它带回家吗？它还会起来飞--？

2009-11-04T10:00:00.000-08:00

挥霍惯了时间，现在诚惶诚恐地努力。
安娜堡一趟，无暇欣赏秋色。中西部的深秋，和这里一样阴雨连绵。

Eugene慢慢变成了坚强的男孩，打针不哭，跌倒了自己爬起来，老师都夸他tough. 跟他商量事情，怕他闹，他竟说，宝宝大了，晓得了。情感的柔和细腻一如既往，悲惨的故事会让他一脸难过，会因为小朋友不稀罕他的礼物伤感。
世事人情风险，长大以后的他，也只有同我们每个人一样，独自寻找解决。

2009-10-27T16:23:00.000-07:00

Dear Water，

好吧，就凑合着写下去吧。

今天在S.State上的Espresso royale 里看到了你的朋友N。他还是那个样子，我们两在发现对方的霎那都很惊异，an almost surrealistic encounter?我说羡慕他已经毕业，他以一贯讽刺的玩笑说不必羡慕，因为他已是"a broken human being"...

在已经爱上了Starbucks以后，再回头喝Espresso royale的咖啡简直是活受罪。好象除了焦糊味，一点都不香，包括那里的cappucino. 而十月底的AA，你一定猜得到，阴沉着永远睡不醒的样子。目之所及，仿佛都在提醒我没么值得留恋，是到了该结束的时候了。

好几个人都跟我问起你。

回去再跟你电话聊！

2009-10-19T15:16:00.000-07:00

是不是搬家扔东西上瘾呢，我有强烈的冲动想把整个blog再delete掉。
（前言搭后语乎？）
亲爱的Water，好久以前我们就说要弄个合作的写作计划，几时能兑现呢？

清早趴在E小床上，好歹让他又睡了会，我自己居然还做了个梦，梦里都是关于论文的焦虑。

过两天，真的要全部清除了吧，就把Eugene的部分收起来。

Sad, sad things

2009-10-13T11:05:00.000-07:00

刚刚跟Maria通了电话，才知道之前一直找不到他们的原因。去年年底一家人开车回墨西哥度假，新年过后往回走时，途中车祸，她先生去世，一个妹妹重伤，她同另一个妹妹以及两个孩子轻伤，这么在悲痛病痛里过了大半年。

我听着她说，难过到极点，除了抱歉，找不到话安慰。

我们一直觉得在Eugene一岁半时能找到他们家帮我们照顾孩子是无上幸运的一件事，Maria自己就是幼儿教师，家里母亲是个热情善良的老太太，在外工作，也在家里帮忙，两个妹妹也都快乐和善，家庭幼儿园办得有声有色，最难得环境干净又温暖。她自己两个孩子以及其他五六个孩子都照顾得开开心心。Eugene自己吃不好，他们就帮着喂，Eugene嘴馋他们家的食物，他们就开心供应，Eugene不爱学说话，他们就花心思捉摸他的身体语言。Sylvia是Maria的大妹妹，性格安静，Eugene刚去时总抱着哄，她说话不多，Eugene却跟她最亲。Lily是小妹妹，长得最漂亮，常跟我谈她读书考试的事，喜欢说西班牙语逗Eugene玩，而且乐呵呵地跟我保证Eugene完全听得懂西班牙语。没太跟Maria的先生说过话，他大多时候在外工作，只见他们透着幸福的结婚照挂在墙上。偶尔在家，会看到微笑不语的面容和趴在自家汽车下面修东西的身形，想象该是个稳重顾家的好人。因为他们，我们觉得西班牙语温暖动听，觉得墨西哥人亲切可爱，慢慢和他们成为朋友。去年夏天搬家离开时，真是依依不舍。

春天时打电话给他们，总也没人接，觉得奇怪，还猜测是不是有事回墨西哥了。今天听到噩耗，真不能想象Maria怎么承受失去丈夫的巨大痛苦，还带着两个年幼的孩子，守着两个受伤的妹妹。Eugene曾经最爱的Sylvia阿姨仍不能行走。

Maria在电话里，说完伤心的故事，还不忘问我们近况。
唉，如此不幸，为什么降到这么善良的人家？
我们能做些什么呢？只希望微薄力量，能给他们一点点，一点点温暖。

过敏求医中有感

2009-10-09T15:23:00.000-07:00

飞虫的影子在紧闭的百叶窗上划过，
窗外的树丛草丛和陈旧河道，引秋风里花粉一定沉默飞扬，
屋内新旧斑驳的油漆，经年墙纸，遥远的咖喱檀香，
不是诗意，
是我无处定度的过敏源，

冗长的化验单上奇怪的指数，
我一个一个勾出超标的元素，用隔绝视听的科学语汇
仍无法解释皮肤
向天气向空气向时间向空间向搬迁向旅行
发出的警告，

生活好像越来越复杂和破绽百出，
我倒好像越来越安之若素，自己得意一下，遂写几行以纪念。

2009-09-21T00:10:00.000-07:00

那天去接宝宝的路上，带了MJ的CD听，买了有些日子了，总没工夫听一下。音乐一响起来，竟觉得别扭。好奇怪，MJ的Pop，以前也一直喜欢的，怎么现在听着，这么吵呢？

听歌的热情真的没有了。
就跟宝宝一起听Mozart和Vivaldi的时候觉得音乐悦耳舒心。

有一天接宝宝回来，L感慨说小孩很容易孤独的吧，说他看见Eugene在室外活动的地方一个人爬在一个滑梯上吆喝着说他在开飞机，叫别的小朋友来却没人理他。又观察了一会，L说发现Eugene原来是想了个很复杂的场景，要求别人从一个门上去，给他机票，要坐在哪里，然后再从哪里下去等等，他英文有限，表达不出全套意思，别的小朋友又没耐心跟他耗明白，就都不加入。他于是只好一个人在想象里表演。

Eugene强大的想象故事都是要周围人配合的，在家里，有我们帮忙填上他想到却表达不出的地方，在外面，就没办法了。

我和L的结论基本上是人群里，谁能分享缤纷想象，真是个从童年就开始的问题。

2009-09-02T00:34:00.000-07:00

讨厌自己的坏脾气。知道对Eugene大声喊叫是不对的，即便在他极端调皮不听话的时候也不应该，但实在不知道怎么应付他曾出不穷的捣乱和要求。夜深人静，提醒自己，生活要开心继续，否则如何？最近对他拒绝睡觉的老问题已经不以为意，对他弄坏任何东西也不再大惊小怪，刷牙问题也解决了，这些都是我们大家的进步，那就在吃饭和收拾玩具的问题上接着努力吧。

有时候，坐在沙发上，听三岁的小人把我们当成想象里的弟兄发号施令，已经满嘴美式英文恶习：“you guys"这样，“you guys"那样，不是不感慨的。就在一年前，还在担心他话都不会说。

最近的常规提问已经从“为什么”变成了“。。。是怎么做的？”主题从一切家用器具玩具到食品到外面看到的任何东西，都一定要我们从原材料到成品详述一二三制作步骤方肯罢休。今天早上，就有这样的对话：

“妈咪，粉粉是怎么做的？”
“什么粉粉？面粉？是地里种的wheat...”
“嗯嗯，不是，是粉粉？”
“什么粉粉？”
“就是粉粉？”
“什么粉粉？”
“粉粉！” （眼看他快崩溃了。）
“哎呀，到底是什么粉粉？是你吃的ｆｉｂｅｒ粉粉，还是身上搽的粉粉？？” （妈咪我也要崩溃。）
（努力改善发音）“混。。。粉。。。？”
（我终于灵光一闪，恍然大悟！）“啊，你说的是馄饨！！！”
（终于笑了）“嗯。”
“馄饨啊，是要有面皮，有肉馅。。。”

流水帐

2009-08-25T22:15:00.000-07:00

如果抽离自己的唯一途径不过是逃避，生活的吞噬力量，不抵抗也罢。

昨天，大学同学启程回国，我去把借给他们的被子拿回来，告别淡淡。

今天把家里打扫了。下午，让L去接Eugene，我在家弄肉馅，加白菜，用昨晚泡好的糯米滚了，做珍珠丸子。第一次做，没什么章法，胡乱垫了青菜叶在电饭锅的蒸笼里，二十多分钟出笼的时候，竟真有几分翡翠珍珠的意思。
剩下的肉馅，都包了大馄饨。煮一锅，其余全整齐放进冷冻室，全都弄好，到摆盘上桌，自己对自己说，不错。

天还没黑的时候，门铃响了，我正在给Eugene找浴巾。来人自称是这片公寓的管理委员会代表，要登记住户信息。我赶紧声明我们只是租住，房东不在此，仿佛急于撇清，但被告知，租住也要登记。只好让进门来，从长计议。寒暄，写字，又因为我难发音的名字抱歉地笑，等等等等，友好结束繁琐过程，small talk又继续了一番才结束。

新地方，窗户多且大，我坐着的位置，对着野生的草丛树木，景致寂寞。

晚上教Eugene拼七巧板，我深爱的游戏。

2009-08-14T10:32:00.000-07:00

崩溃到无以复加之后，我们决定，不，管，了！

Eugene在被老师屡屡告状之后，对我们的询问除了无辜的眼神和对以后不再犯的肯定外，没什么别的反应。在家里无休止的想象表演的间歇，他偶尔会告诉我们老师不让他这样，老师不让他那样。有的，我会积极附和，让他听老师话，有的，我实在无言以对，只好就听着，不发表意见。

与其因为老师每天的意见弄得我们晚上也不高兴，不如由他自己去在学校寻生存之道，晚上我们还是开心玩？过些天再看吧。

2009-08-05T11:10:00.000-07:00

Oddly, I feel trapped, in the cool air of a late summer morning,
so I read--

Someone's writing about her father's death, succinct and totally anticlimactic,
Someone's travelogue about Turkey, the stunningly beautiful remains of an epic past (in a pretentious tone way too much for me to like),
Someone's almost suicidal internal monologue,
Someone's short story, with a title word I have yet to look up,
Someone's column that failed to sustain my attention after the funny opening paragraph,
Someone's autobiography, which is so long I doubt I would ever finish,
Someone's witty haikus based on politicians' words,
...

2009-08-04T15:41:00.000-07:00

At a certain point, I stopped unpacking altogether.

The heavy boxes with highlighted big abbreviations "Diss." have stayed in the messy uncleaned room for several days, and I wonder if the books and all those photocopied, printed papers are missing me. I certainly don't miss them.

Perhaps this is simply a consequence of several days of pure labor in the heat wave.

Now the weather finally cools down. How long the procrastination will go on?

为什么百年不遇的事总是被我们遇上呢？？？

2009-07-30T10:17:00.000-07:00

冬天西雅图大雪交通瘫痪的时候我们躲在家里开着暖气感叹，怎么第一个冬天就这么特别？不过并没有什么受罪的感觉。
现在可难熬了。这百年不遇的酷暑，连日在100华氏度以上，可以和Davis媲美，最痛苦是商店里空调电扇卖断了货，还偏巧我们在搬家，我们简直掉进了一个大烤箱，对着一堆还没收拾好的家什，无处躲藏。天天带着Eugene在外面吃晚饭，找有空调的地方耗时间，回家睡觉的时候依然是煎熬。L在可爱的AMAZON订了个电扇，希望今天能到货。
夜里给Eugene打扇子，想我们小时候，爸爸妈妈在酷暑的夜晚给我们扇扇子，那种原始的夏天感觉，居然隔着太平洋，隔着这么久远的时间，又回到我身边。
热得睡不着的Eugene看着窗外，忽然就喊，“Moon----" 又说，“怎么没有stars???"

象爱小说里的细节一样爱生活里的琐碎？--！

2009-07-24T10:47:00.000-07:00

一路堵车，让人烦躁，后来的那个瞬间，我不知道脚该落在油门还是刹车上，于是，车就原样过了路口，已经变成红灯的路口，我大惊，说，糟糕，怎么闯了个红灯？！Eugene听出我的疑问，跟着叫出一联串，“妈咪，怎么办，妈咪，怎么办，怎么办。。。。？？？” 我长叹一声，“不怎么办啊，宝宝，回家吃饭！”

"妈咪，Have fun 是什么?"
“妈咪，delicious是什么？”

“。。。well, Eugene has these issues.. but we know he'll get better..."
"thank you so much! my husband and i really believe in cooperating with teachers. and we know you and mr. ... and the other ladies here are doing a terrific job with kids (马屁goes on as long as i can...)"

又要搬家。
夏天快过完了吗？

坐在咖啡店里看书的时候，很多很多句子跳进脑袋。

请大学同学吃饭，时过境迁的我们，
他们说谢谢，我们说谢谢你们来。他们说，这汤真好！我说，那就多喝点。

医生来信，让再去验血。
OK， whatever, 打电话，今天就可以。
我都奇怪，真练出来了，要是以前还不紧张半天？现在知道安慰自己，很平静地对自己说，不会有大事，放松最重要。

2009-07-21T10:16:00.000-07:00

已经连着几天被Eugene的老师们告状，说他不听话，胡搅蛮缠，恶行种种。
老师们摆出事关重大，家长们也一定要严加管教的架势，还说如若情况继续恶化，要大家坐下来开会商讨对策。
Eugene从生下来的第一天起就大呼小叫，状况不断。最近我们还高兴了几天，觉得他英文学得多些了，在学校里也开始说话多起来，会越来越开心的。谁知又有这样的状况。怎么办呢？
我同情Eugene的伤心，委屈，和叛逆，但我也看到他非挑战权威极限不可的心理会带来的麻烦和问题。怎么办？不明白，为什么这小子日常所有事务都要斗争一番？？？他不觉得累，我们已经累死了。

那天跟L说，以前不能理解怎么有人爱懒惰地度假，什么游轮啊，海滩啊，躺着晒太阳什么都不做之类，感觉上一定要爬山下水暴走探险，再不济也得什么找个古迹猎奇，学点历史文化，才算旅行。现在，在有了Eugene这种让人操心劳累无穷的小子之后，终于明白，那种懒惰的度假方法是多么有吸引力。疲惫感已经深入皮肤的我们，只想能有个地方，有块时间，能安安静静呆一会，什么都不想，什么都不做，就晒晒太阳，该何等美妙。

obsession

2009-07-13T11:35:00.000-07:00

最近看了不少LOCI剧集。
最最初，就是喜欢侦探故事的。天性喜欢有原因吗？小时候，听妈妈说福尔摩斯故事和阿加莎克里斯蒂系列，后来哥哥也谈，印象是有趣的动脑方式，对问题的解答从蛛丝马迹里寻找线索，充满微妙的刺激。高中时零星看了些，大学里终于有整块时间为所欲为看闲书，福尔摩斯一度是我想象里才华横溢的偶像。
青春结束幻想破灭的过程是对少年时艺术欣赏趣味的颠覆过程。流行音乐，无论中文的英文的法文的，全不听了，电影越来越少看，小说开始爱有历史深度文化复杂的悠长故事，诗歌却觉越简单越好。偶尔想起以前热衷的故事，看得更清楚的是自己曾经被幻像的吸引，对非真实世界的简单向往，和对创作者难以避免的过份信赖。
是多年文学评论研究生的课业吗，对读者作者的位置的习惯性审视让人很难再信赖任何虚构框架，或者，已经不年轻的我，对任何吸引和追随都有了反感的怀疑，好像已经不太可能深切地迷上什么东西了。
这样，LOCI是怎么回事呢？简单的一集一个罪案结构，特色是主角侦探的“当代福尔摩斯”定位，从极端细微的线索推理，又总有看似复杂但其实永远是“问题家庭产生问题人物”这样简单逻辑的心理分析来吸引注意力，而华生的位置上是个女性侦探，两人若即若离的关系也构成一大看点。
有什么特别好的地方吗？主角几近病态的天才状态？编剧掉书袋的小细节？配角越来越清楚的可爱？零星对社会的反省和对权力制度的讽刺？既有悬疑的感官刺激又有一个小时后所有问题都会得到解决的放心？
这些都不能完全解释我的喜欢。综合起来看，好像有种明知落入俗套但仍然玩出点花样的东西在里面。从情节看，弘扬正义的基调里，总有善恶难辨的矛盾露出来，抵制教化大众这样的简单线条。角色的设置和塑造，从语言到做派，都延着这样的线路，仿佛很逼真，但又常有可以让人察觉的酷，明白说着这一切不过是游戏。
多少年以前，我在NUS的第一个学期，第一次上讨论课。老师的题目是幻想：通俗作品。云里雾里十来个星期后，我鼓起勇气问老师，为什么他把所有通俗作品都看成科幻或玄幻，那些写实的算什么。他在课上回答，哪些电视剧哪些故事不是人们构造出来的虚幻世界，大众文化消费的舞台上什么不是做出来的，哪来的什么“写实”？
我想我是被他说服了的，真的，什么不是游戏。LOCI给我一种他们深谙此道的感觉，挺酷。

2009-07-07T11:02:00.000-07:00

微软拼音

在停止看电影之后，我几乎停止读诗，偶尔看见的全都面目可疑，即使那些被奖被赞被吹捧的，我也提不起兴趣，我怎么了呢？中年了？老了？迟钝了？连决定要赖以安身立命的评论门类都要放弃吗？老师问，在这一章里，为什么要读视觉艺术呢？她说，你已经暗示了，却还没明白说清楚。我难道明白说，诗已经如此乏味，我要寻找新的刺激？

早上把小床上所有被单拆掉，放洗衣机，倒洗涤液，转旋扭，轰鸣开始充斥整个公寓。
用宝宝喝剩的香草豆奶对咖啡，味道很好。
吃宝宝剩下的早餐，担心他对新教室的新鲜劲正越来越少，又会厌烦上学。可是，在问题还没有来临的时候，我还是享受现在吧。

学了几首英文童谣后，宝宝开始背学校里的英文儿歌，我从能听懂的只言片语里找线索去网上搜，寻出完整版，再回过头跟他一起复习，帮他练习吐字。可是也有找不到原版的时候，就只好任由他自己念叨，　我们大半不知所云。

激情，艺术的激情，我曾有过吗？现在，每天告诉自己，做菜的时候要充满激情，否则，弄不出一桌五颜六色，谁也没胃口。

写过的诗，还在谁的信纸上吗，
喜欢过的歌，谁还会骑着破旧的脚踏车唱。
坐公车去美术馆的时候，我们都穿着什么？

对着电脑发了阵呆，忽然觉得我应该相信自己现在的品味。那些做作的诗，是他们的问题，不是我的。

Wildlife and Norbert Rillieux

2009-06-30T11:41:00.000-07:00

First week in the Preschool classroom, we were told that Eugene was assigned a "topic"--Wildlife (see it's never too early to start doing research and presentation).

"Great!" was my answer to the beloved teacher. And the fact is on top of the housework and my own research, I officially start to worry about my kid's homework.

To comfort myself, I said in my mind, even Eugene knows google, bing, and yahoo--we sure can do it!

And yet, life always gets more complicated than we expected. Our printer ran out of ink, so we couldn't get those gorgeous pictures of prairie and rainforest animals down from the screen. What to do?

Of course, if there's only one thing that I can claim I've learned after years of study for a PhD in humanities, it's the skills of searching (yes, it's "searching", not "researching") in a library! So off I went. I managed to find a whole stack of books on wildlife with fantastic pictures. I dropped some books with pictures that might look too bloody, violent or terrifying to little kids, and some with too specialized content. I ended up with a few with bright colors and a variety of different aspects of wildlife. Among them, a book with beautifully-drawn animals on maps of different continents became my favorite. Eugene's class had been learning a "continent song"--the book would certainly appeal to the kids as well as the teachers.

So, dinner/reading (see how outrageous it is--Eugene loves reading while eating his dinner, which I actually liked doing when I was little, so how can i stop him from doing this?) time, I showed the wildlife/continent book to Eugene. it won him immediately; so did the idea of taking the book to school.

It was said he was very proud to show the book to his friends in their circle time, and that the kids enjoyed the book very much.

You think that's it? well, once it began, it would sure continue. Even before I got this first task done, there had already been another assignment: "Norbert Rillieux--what did he invent? How does his invention affect our life?" Gosh, who is he? Neither the PhD nor the PhD candidate in our family knows about the man. Looks like we need to do some serious research this time...

I may become an encyclopedia before I get my phd!

E-Birthday

2009-06-23T10:46:00.000-07:00

It's Eugene's 3rd birthday.
He started going to the preschool classroom and it was such a relief for all of us. Hope all the stress and unhappiness of the previous room (mostly because of one the teachers there) will never come back and he will have a truly happy time here in the new room.

In addition to performing all those stories he loves and re-living all the shopping/museum and park-going trips in our living room, lately Eugene has come up with more real-life scenarios for his pretending/imagining/performing play:
--He would block the hallway with all sorts of things, then move a big brush on the hallway wall, and tell us he's remodeling the library and doing some construction work and the library is closed for now and we have to ask for permission for passing. --a flashback about our local library's renovation project months ago.
--He would collect several little bottles and try to feed "tylenol" and "motrin" to his stuff animals, saying they're having a temperature. --obviously due to his frequent sick days in this past winter.
--He would go into an empty box and stay there, pretending to be a little puppy and waiting for us to find him and carry him home. --i'm not sure where this comes from!
--He would have our study room be the check-in place of an airport and give his "baggage" to whomever sits there. Then suddenly he would give up the passenger role to become the pilot and drive an imagined airplane with a Frisbee (which is also the steering wheel of his imagined car). --he certainly remembers our last trip to SD.
--He would throw all the small puzzle pieces on the floor and then collecting them with a little set of broom and dust pan, saying he's cleaning the fallen leaves. --probably because he saw a page of people cleaning leaves in one of his books??
...
...

(I'm still wondering, though--what do you do when your child's teacher doesn't like him/her, and especially when you yourself don't like the teacher very much and don't really buy what he/she says? i know it'll be a problem if you let your child know that you disagree with the teacher and we've always tried to enforce the same rules, but emotionally it's really such a hard thing to deal with... anyway, i'm glad that we don't have this problem anymore, at least for now.)

清醒的声音

2009-06-23T10:17:00.000-07:00

早上看到这篇书评:http://www.nytimes.com/2009/06/23/books/23thomas.html?_r=1
关于Michael Thomas's Man Gone Down.
作者对自己得奖原因和后果的思考和提问, 表现出一种对当下政治和与政治有关的文化市场极其清醒的认识, 那种不轻易相信任何表象, 时刻反省的态度让我想立刻开始读他的小说.

相比之下, H 这个我一直试图在人前为之defend作者就逊色太多了. H好象总想对舆论证明自己作品的受承认不是因为非文学因素, 但他有意无意的撇清却总因了实际上并不太出色的技法而适得其反. 如果他能对自己作品的市场接受进行深层思考和反省, probably his writing can become more interesting. His latest book seemed so tedious that i kept falling asleep over it on my last flight from AA. and i tried to finish it after i got back but decided to give it up. it's not that i couldn't bear the extremely bland style of prose; it's simply unbearable that between the lines of that prose i couldn't find anything as deep and thoughtprovoking as the author's name seemed to have promised. I'll stop defending him. for after all, i was just trying to defend a voice from home, or the home itself.

about the film I haven't seen

2009-06-19T00:34:00.000-07:00

The official favorable reviews of Lu Chuan's Nanking Nanking made me suspicious about the film-- for years, I've found it impossible to like the officially acclaimed works. And then i'm relieved, sadly(because i almost wished my doubt could turn out ungrounded), to find different and thoughtful and very informative reviews like these:

http://blog.sina.com.cn/s/blog_49b4dd4e0100d41f.html

and

http://rna.blog.hexun.com/32183285_d.html

I'd like to do some historical research on this when I'm done with the dissertation. One more year. I decided that it would be too outrageous if i do more than 8 years.

快三岁了.

2009-06-15T11:36:00.000-07:00

Eugene居然就要三岁了!

躺在床上长长一个人,小小crib都快不够睡了, 问他要不要买新床,无比恋旧的他当然是大喊不要.

近来最爱抱怨"睡觉太慢"--他发明的句子, 表示sleeping takes too much time, 他着急玩, 实在没耐心躺着呀.

自从开始去preschool教室适应环境, Eugene就不再说不要上学了. 正巧原来的那个严厉老师最近也不在, 上学忽然变得好玩起来. 对新玩具和大孩子产生浓厚兴趣. 放学回来, 我问他, 听不听得懂他们说什么, 他老实回答听不懂, 却还是开心的.

little gym一学期快结束了, Eugene各项体能没大长进, 胆子还是不够大. 可爱的老师一点不给压力, 鼓励有加, 还总花时间来陪我们这个差生单独玩, L和我屡屡谈起, 在对待小孩子的弱点上, 觉得很受老师启发.

最近的问答--
--明天是什么day?
--Monday.
--明天还要上学?
--上学.
--上次, Monday怎么是Memorial Day, 就不上学?
--是, 上次是holiday.
--明天怎么不是holiday?
--阿... ... (ft, 是不是holiday也不是Mommy我说了算啊.)

2009-05-20T00:17:00.000-07:00

好象该改改我的blog主题了? Eugene已经成了中心.

深夜, 我们轻轻谈Eugene好玩的地方, 他居然是这样sentimental的. 一岁多的时候就曾因为看日落流露伤感; 前些时候有次路边野地里摘了小小蒲公英花给他玩, 拿回来后天黑了小花就慢慢合上了花瓣,他看到了, 立刻伤心起来, 好象小花的离去是天大的失落; 今天生病在家, 我开了电视陪他打发时间, 看到Pokemon: Jirachi the Wishmaker, 可爱的小精灵Jirachi最后因为救助朋友而幻化成光亮消散在天地间, Eugene就又难过了, 眼泪夺眶而出.

怎么会这样呢? L 说是因为遗传我,　可是,　妈咪我也是崇尚坚强的呀,　看NBA都是喜欢tough guy如C Billups.　怎么让小人tough些呢? 他倒也爱跟爸爸看球赛, 热爱游泳, 唉......

How are you, last night

2009-05-18T15:47:00.000-07:00

With a "Ding---" magnified through the computer speakers, "How are you?" Your greeting popped up on the little window of my yahoo messenger, now rarely used given the countless other ways of online communications (such as google chat, MSN/window's live, Facebook, and the newly heard "Twitter"?). You and I both like old things, I know, as if clinging to the past will save us from all the trouble future will inevitably bring. Quite silly, aren't we?

"fine. thank you." Whatelse can I say. Diss. is going slowly, as always; plus it was the time of the day when Eugene started to feel so sleepy that he would make every effort to STOP us from taking him to bed. The whole apartment echoed with reluctance, resistance, and tiredness.

"how are you?? sorry i can't talk now-- will be back in about an hour?" As usual, it was probably two hours later when i got back to the desk. and of course
you were gone.

I'm thinking of writing a long, long, very long email to you. Believe me, I'm thinking of it every day. But again, what shall I say except
the diss. about Asian American poetry, which has been going on forever, the beloved baby, who is by now no longer a little baby, and his impatient teacher at the super-expensive daycare, the weird water coming from underneath the carpet in our apartment--how magic-realistic it sounds!-- the rain here, the problematic(?) tax return, and all the other details of my life that constantly threaten to drown my old dreams?

oh, but, we both love life, don't we, or we must say so no matter what?

2009-05-14T15:15:00.000-07:00

Eugene的pretend游戏玩得出神入化, 任何动画故事或生活场景都可以用玩具家具各种道具模拟表演, 自己在想象世界里回味无穷, 还要求我们一同进入角色, 念念有词加上身体语言, 忙得不亦乐乎, 热衷程度几乎到了令人担忧的程度. 我只有去google -- 是这样一种search 和research的强迫症吧 -- 试图寻求有关幼儿游戏的研究, 并没有什么特别发现.
好在天气渐渐好起来, 应该能多带他出去玩了.

2009-05-06T09:56:00.000-07:00

每天都不愿去上学, 爱哭的Eugene, 一定觉得学校很没意思吧.
不到三岁的小人, 每天提的问题多到我们应接不暇, 在学校里大概没人问, 不好玩.

--开车时候轮子为什么会动?
--停车时候怎么不动?
--飞机为什么会飞?
--bus, fire-truck为什么不会飞?
--今天为什么下雨?
--天上云多为什么就会下雨?
--怎么不下雪?
--树为什么到springtime就会长小叶子?
--Soap[洗手]怎么会有bubble?
--用water怎么没有bubble?
--[耳朵贴在桌面上听瓶子倒在桌上的声音] 哈哈, 为什么好响?
--怎么躺在沙发上听[东西掉在沙发上], 没有好响?
--为什么小baby会哭?
--为什么小baby不会走路?
--为什么宝宝小baby时候不会讲话?
--为什么宝宝还不长大?
--我们为什么要吃好多东西?
... ...

The Trip back Home

2009-04-28T12:20:00.000-07:00

Sunday, 4/26

Yet another delay message is being given—I’m sitting here in the Honolulu airport, after a night at the lousy airport hotel because of the canceled flight, hoping this rebooked flight could take me home by tonight.

"The writing… it’s so bad, bad not even in an interesting way!" said the prof about a writer I’ve been reading. I feel I’m becoming less and less confident about my ability of judging or the accuracy of my critical sense. Is this writer really that bad? At least his first novel is ok…? And… there is this other poet that I really hate is said to have really ‘precise’ language, to which I have nothing to say. Is it my problem?

Or, perhaps the real problem is I always think everything I feel confused or frustrated about is because of my problem—the really really deep sense of diffidence. Somehow I feel even the repeatedly delayed flights are my fault too—I should have done the reservation earlier so that I could get one of those direct flights with perfect time and price. In the morning sunshine of Honolulu, I feel dizzy and tired and terribly guilty. Eugene must be wondering why Mommy doesn’t come back on Sunday morning as she promised.

2009-04-17T12:52:00.000-07:00

手里拿着这本多年以前就读过,　复印过,　论文里引用过的书的新版,
我忽然发现自己不忍再看,　有种不堪回首的难过.　
怎么过去的论文,　总好象伤痛,　让我不愿回忆.　写作的过程总是
挣扎的过程,　要奋斗而抑制的坏心情,　
仿佛曾经的疾病,　偶尔要填在病历表上,　对自己都触目惊心,　几乎一种耻辱.

宝宝的歌, II

2009-04-10T15:19:00.000-07:00

我想不再寻找了,
就等待吧. 华丽的诗句都是他们的,
我就等你说的妙语, 如珠,

--"打喷嚏"英文是什么?
--sneeze.
--no, 不是sneeze,
--啊? 那是什么?
--是 "bless you!"

2009-04-09T15:28:00.000-07:00

从SD回来, 小小Eugene晒黑了一层, 好象补了一个冬天欠缺的阳光. 没想到他最爱海边, 只要海浪和沙滩, 可以永远在水里和沙里玩, 对我们为之惊叹的会跳舞的大鲸鱼有种不过如此的随便.

匆匆就是四月, 艾略特荒芜的春天.
早上和water在电话里聊诗歌的形式怎么分析, 真好, 有做同样事情的好朋友.

很多很多东西要收拾, 我在沙发上边吃午饭边看New Yorker,
总是这样沮丧的故事, 没看完, 我就把杂志丢开,
真的, 怎么快乐的故事快乐的诗那么那么少,
痛苦痛苦痛苦的文学啊, 我们怎么在这样的篇章里快乐地工作?

"随笔", 日式的随笔, 你说什么就是什么了,
我给她去信, 告诉她我找到的历史渊源,
她们自信地写诗, 出书, 我查书, 写论文, 用这样的字眼:
seems, probably, it is uncertain that, can be seen as
一定是我的问题,
越研究, 越没有信心.

给宝宝的歌, I

2009-03-20T15:47:00.000-07:00

作了雪花的纸片, 和作了小狗的娃娃,
作了海水的地毯, 和作了火车的纸箱,
空中曾经飞过的小虫, 和遥远的以前你追过的猫,
都在眼睛里变幻消失和重现, 想触摸, 连回忆, 都在身边.
任何, 任何故事都在讲述里,
变成当下存在,
而当下不过是早上, 中午, 或者晚上,
其他, 好象都不要紧.
欢乐和悲伤如同, 一勺泼洒的汤,
瞬间只留印迹在你散落的画本上,
变成明天一个新游戏的开始,
其实不是, 没有什么是游戏,
一切都这样真实.

发现

2009-03-16T15:48:00.000-07:00

除了前些天研究的电影其实可以用静止画面做到以外, 还有,

西腊史诗的源头不光有荷马 (当然, 还有无数姓名已被遗忘的诗人), Hesiod稍短的作品Theogony以及Works and Days等都应该算, 因为音律形式上的相似实在可观, 谁影响谁还不一定呢.

我好象永远在感觉需要恶补经典的惶恐里, 所有发现根本上, 都是对自己无知的发现, 这是怎样一种体验啊.

Monotony

2009-03-12T10:34:00.000-07:00

With the nurse--
-Do you see your dentist regularly?
-Yes I do. actually i just had my wisdom teeth out.
-really, you did? gosh you had so many things to take care of!
-oh yes...
-funny we call them wisdom teeth, isn't it.
-[laugh, thinking indeed, what wisdom did they bring me?]

With Eugene--
-Mommy 今天是什么day?
-Thursday, baby.
-Thursday 过完是什么day?
-Friday.
-Friday过完是什么day?
-Saturday.
-Saturday过完是什么day?
-Sunday.
-Sunday过完是什么day?
...
[Repeated every day, over and yet over again. I'm sure he's remembered all of them but just wanna keep the conversation going.]

With L.
-I just couldn't find it after a whole day's search.
-what, what did you try to find?
- a theory about using still images instead of using moving images to make a film.
- still images can make a film?
-oh yeah... uh... Microsoft has a "Moviemaker" thing, right?
-o there's a big joke there... Once Bill Gates wants to use it [telling the story]
[almost midnight]
-[the story made me laugh] guess when i finish all this dissertation, i'd love to make a movie of some kind!
- sure at least you can make one with Eugene performing.
- oh no he doesn't even want me to videotape him singing.

With myself:
-really, what kind of movie do i want to make? an "experimental" one constructed with nothing but still images?

很久不写

2009-03-02T14:32:00.000-08:00

宝宝自新年以来一直断续生病, 我们也陪着传染,
我这次的咳嗽很可怕, 昨夜到今天不停, 几小时无法睡眠, 好容易约上医生, 要等到下午三点半,
不住喝水不住咳, 看着表熬时间.
下个月的两个会, 文章都还没着落,
我连担心的力气都没有了.

连日阴雨, 冬末甚至又下了场雪, 今天好歹有点太阳, 但愿一切好起来.

近来

2009-02-18T11:35:00.000-08:00

每每生气抓狂, 我自责不是个好妈妈. 因为论文心情恶劣, 实在不该. Water说得太对, 平静是需要努力修炼.

为什么总是在深入研究之后发现最初的兴趣了无踪影? 为什么越来越觉得有必要找更刺激的题目? 可是可是, 我已经开始连跨媒体作品和实验电影都拉到论文里来了, 还有更刺激的么, 在文学研究的范围里?

Eugene会唱歌了, 只是, terrible 2何时是尽头? 或者其实是我自己的问题, 要耐心再耐心. 这两个月, 带他去过西雅图美术馆, 小人居然对艺术品颇有兴趣, 尤其大小不等的雕塑, 被吸引的程度让人高兴. 又去过一次动物园, 有选择地看了几个他的最爱, 尽兴而返.

2009-01-30T10:47:00.000-08:00

医生说我应该加倍喝水, 还很同情我带孩子写论文的忙碌生活, 真是感动.
早上精神大好, 走路去买咖啡.
今天, 我能写一页吗?
鼓励自己不焦虑, 耐心写东西, 质量考虑放一边, 先把东西堆出来.

Eugene用南京话已经非常自如, 会问为什么(更常说"怎么搞?"), 也会说"因为...", "然后...", 对早上中午下午晚上这些时间有了清晰的理解, 虽然英文还不太行, 我们也总看到很多和他一样大的小孩子更伶俐, 但考虑到他两岁两个月才开始积极学说话, 已经很满足骄傲. Eugene爱缠着我们讲故事唱歌, 逼得我们即兴创作了作品若干. 人说作父母也是个成长过程, 可不是, 我们已俨然有了信口胡说乱唱的本事. 最得意的作品有用"Sound of Silence" 曲调唱的Thomas火车之歌, 周华健"亲亲宝贝"曲子唱的宝宝爱豆浆, 自编自唱的棒棒糖歌, 和取裁于家里各个人回忆谈笑的童年故事系列等等等等. 每每逗小人高兴, 自己口干舌燥之际, 我会忽然想起, 多少年以前, 我缠着爸爸, 在他的字典上乱涂乱画, 不让他看书做事. 生活真的不过无穷尽的往复循环啊.

2009-01-24T13:44:00.000-08:00

NYT网今天有个关于Chinese underground hip-pop的录像短片, 挺好玩. 我刚刚看过8Mile, 听一下觉得片子里几个北京孩子说唱的感觉还挺地道. 他们一群人里有混在北京的美国人, 所以腔调里的美国元素很显著. 但关于创作想法里的反主流教育制度的精神, 倒是说得很本土化, 不空洞, 不错.

=====

This morning i brought Eugene to the "Little gym" for the free trial class-- his first time in a "gym"! We've been concerned about his being timid in the playground and shy with socials, so we figure it might be good to enroll him in one of those group activity classes.
It turned out quite surprising--
As I had expected, he was reluctant to go into the gym room at first, nervous and mad when I told him that the rule here required us to take off our shoes and socks. But gradually he accepted the rule, and I carried him--still like a baby, sigh!--into the group.
During the whole class, he followed the teacher's and my instructions pretty well. He walked on the air-bag--considering he has never enjoyed a bouncy house like most kids his age, it was such a wonderful achievement I almost hurrayed at.
He played with the balls, and although he wouldn't try a somersault on a low beam, he learned and really really enjoyed somersaulting over a horizontal bar!!! First with the help of the teacher and then with me, he did three or four times altogether. Sitting under the bar finally, he said, with a triumphant smile, "tell Daddy Baobao did this!" All I thought at that moment was, hey, who said this one was timid?!

六年半以后

2009-01-21T14:24:00.000-08:00

从阳历年想到阴历年, 我的New year resolution还没定好, 索性就算了吧, 无非赶快赶快写论文,
谁不知道文科PhD难弄? 我所有好朋友都已经问烦了, 已经没有人轻易不识趣地问, 什么时候毕业.
连小小的Eugene现在都知道, 妈咪要写论文, 写好论文才能上班,

已经六年半了,
当初当初, 怎么知道, 还有比教室上课不知怎么应对所有人口若悬河自己却笨嘴拙舌更痛苦煎熬的事: 养孩子和写论文,

这两个宝贝.

那天安妮跟我说, 想练中文, 我说好, 我们现在就开始, 她却害羞地笑, 说我还没准备好.
在咖啡店里她拿了厚厚一堆餐巾纸, 我问她做什么, 她说她爱在餐巾上写字,
我笑, 跟她说我曾经写过的诗, 关于在飞机上的餐巾上写字的诗.

春节好.

8 Mile

2009-01-14T15:58:00.000-08:00

第一次知道这电影是好几年前教新生写作课的时候. 一个学生对这个电影里的一个经典剧照写了个评论, 细读作得很透, 又因为是底特律当地人, 对背景社会很了解, 深度也有, 我好象是给了A的. 那时太忙, 没空去找电影看.

隔了些时候, 看R的博客, 她学电影时写很多观后短评, 在众多欧片里少有地写到这部, 我又一次想到要找来看一下. 可当时附近的图书馆没有, 就又放下了.

一晃这么久.

今天路过录像店, 本来是想找个和论文相关的东西, 没找到, 忽然想起这部一直没看的电影, 顺利找到, 还正好不用花钱.

衰败的底特律和城里每晚喝酒游荡的年轻人组成的灰暗画面有强烈的制造抑郁效果,
Rap倒底是什么－－底层对社会的诅咒, 黑人对种族历史和现状的愤怒发泄, 引人入胜的言语暴力, 人身攻击，诗歌, 音乐, 都是?　都不是?
种族,　种族,　种族倒底是什么－－想当rapper的白人掉在黑人堆里想发出声音，想成功的黑人在这个世界出人头第，　哪一个更困难?
Eminem当年居然是那么帅的－－这也是他出名的条件之一？

看完电影,　又找了几首他的歌听,　
就觉得无味－－
丑陋，　这世界的丑陋，　那些好象可以征服却又根本上无法跨越的边界,　仿佛是毫无希望的了.　或者,　愤怒倒还是希望．　

　

续

2008-12-26T00:20:00.000-08:00

那年K到新加坡, L, 我, 以及另一个也在那儿的高中好友四个人聚了两次. 几年不见, 乍一看, K 竟不是记忆里的样子了, 琢磨了半天, 我才明白, 是他胖了. 说话说到高兴处神采飞扬, 倒还是少年时的模样. 问他, 还画画么, 好象, 他也没答, 只拿着新款的数码相机四处按, 和我们每个人合影. 看到我们, 当然是极高兴的, 一瓶接一瓶的啤酒喝不醉, 天文地理世界科技谈笑风生，临走那天, 离飞机起飞时间所剩无几才作别.

后来我和L到美国念博士, 过起单调辛苦的研究生活, 很长一段时间, 我在网上看K的日志, 觉得离他丰富多彩的世界越来越远. 他花了些时间在欧洲游走, 拍照片无数, 记下长长的游记, 随性读多种历史哲学书, 写深奥的读后感.

和我的另一个去法国学电影的朋友一样, K的生活片段总让我看到自己的乏味和普通. 我们在美国小城按部就班的日子, 和他们的游历相比, 好象, 毫无诗意.

是这些生活环境和方式的差异么－－我们无可逃避地为柴米油盐和小宝宝的成长忙碌, "学术兴趣变成纯粹的谋生手段"(dear water, this is from you?:)，我看到很多以前以为很终级的问题不过是特定情况的产物，开始仅仅失望或高兴于身边具体的事情．而K，越来越清晰的,　仍然保留着少年时的精神.　也只有他,　现在还会半夜发来网上新闻共享吧．去年，他已经不玩blog了, 转战facebook．

我,　很老套地,　在这里记点感想，以作留念．其实,　这是关于什么的留念呢? 青春，　朋友，　还是,　仅仅，流水一样的每一天.　　

Trapped

2008-12-21T14:50:00.000-08:00

Trapped in snow since Thursday. The snow hasn't been that heavy actually (if seen from the Michigan perspective), but the problem is there doesn't seem to be any snow-removing cars here at all. Most of the towns in the area have become big ice-rinks, and driving in our old t-w-d cedan proved to be extremely risky.

For Eugene, the first excitement with the snow faded quickly, and all that's left about this weather is an endless boredom. Indeed, white can be such a monotonous color, isn't it; plus the trail we usually took to the ducks by the river has been completely snow-blocked--who else can we visit? On the top of all that, he caught a cold yesterday. Ugh, the stay at home is such a funless thing!

2008-12-18T13:32:00.000-08:00

没想到, 号称evergreen 的 Pacific Northwest也会有这样铺天盖地的大雪. Eugene的学校关了门, 我们在大雪地里玩了一早上, 就听见他兴奋的尖叫.

白茫茫的世界, 我翻出在Ann Arbor时穿的羽绒衫, 好象回到了几年前. 但这里的空气远没有Michigan那么冷, 人在雪地里半天, 也不觉得寒意. 雪也湿润, 很容易握成团. 那年在Ann Arbor堆雪人, 沙子似的雪根本团不成球, 后来浇了点热水, 才能弄成形.

今天

2008-12-12T14:54:00.001-08:00

早上大雨, 开车的时候, Eugene懂事地说, "下雨走local". 我笑, 只好告诉他, 今天起晚了, 宝宝快迟到了, 还是走高速吧, 他乖乖表示同意. 到了教室, 照例陪他去了洗手间, 看他坐下吃老师拿来的点心. 安安静静, 并不和我说再见. 他是这样的, 很少愿意和我们说再见, 大概, 以此表示一点点不情愿?

大雨里, 开到Sears看窗帘. 天气预报说明天下雪降温. Eugene床头的窗户漏风, 想装厚窗帘想了很久, 今天终于要行动. 好心的台湾人店员帮我选东西, 跟我说他女儿去大陆的故事, 告诉我他自己十几岁来美国, 已经不太会写中文, 但还能说, 以及繁体字简体字的问题. 我研究的文化身份认同课题简直无所不在啊.

又跑到Town center的童装店找夹层裤子, 终于都买好, 拐到starbucks要了杯咖啡才回家, 已经是午饭时间了. 一个上午, 以进家门之前小半杯咖啡泼在了自己包上告终.

还停留在乱七八糟提纲阶段的第三章啊, 我实在不知怎么开始, 研究的范围已经远到马拉美的诗和实验电影. 枯坐思考时, 却爱上吃东西. 以前在Ann Arbor时, 越要写东西越吃不下, 就越瘦, 很被人羡慕, 如今, 也终于开始长胖了. 原来, gelato是这样好吃的冰淇淋, cereal真的可以当零嘴, 我--也可以这样爱甜食的.

2008-12-08T10:49:00.000-08:00

最近陪Eugene看的动画歌曲又增加了法文曲目, 英文的nursury rhymes好象没什么新鲜的了, 法国人画的小兔子小老鼠, 连我们都觉得好玩. Mimi la Souris系列法文动画片好可爱, 我们在youtube上看到, 很能吸引两岁半的Eugene, 有些教小小朋友感冒要好好休息, 不能贪玩拒绝上厕所之类的日常生活话题, 居然做得别致俏皮. 不过, 我们也真是的, 怎么总把他的语言环境弄复杂呢?

a slow reader

2008-11-21T14:53:00.000-08:00

The book I slept on, literally,
talks about late modernist poetics.
Jung, Olson, and the problematics of reading
Olson with a deconstructive point of view
put me into sleep quickly,
my face on my hands on the pages
of long sentences, ever turning
in their pretentious philosophical tone.
What drove me to this corner of the library,
exploring, in vain, the canonical names
as boring and dark as the sky of this rainy Seattle day?
The endless struggle with Chapter 2
is paralyzing indeed, "a nightmare from which
I'm trying to awake."
That's "history" in the words of Stephen Daedalus,
and I, I'm only a slow depressive reader
in a black coat, forever distracted
by the already gone fall colors outside.

2008-11-20T11:53:00.000-08:00

家里七舅爷去世（因是妈妈的舅舅，其实该是"七舅公"?），　妈说,　可怜最后病得人事不清,　瘦得剩下一把骨头．　我在电话这头,　不知怎么安慰．　想了一会外婆,　自己发愣．　很久以前，　想写写外婆的故事，现在又常想,　算了,　为什么不散在风里,　水里,　天空里.　也会想,　我连奶奶都没见过,　妈说,　爸爸爱干净一定是象奶奶．　说是个瘦小妇人,　总在屋里四处擦洗.　我们的身体里,　都有她们的精神血液．．．外婆姓徐,　奶奶姓朱．．．

Eugene一天天长大，　昨晚和L说,　小人好象能懂很多道理了.　会说话以后，哭闹得少了．　大家都说他长得象L，我却总能在他脸上笑里看到我哥哥，甚至外婆.

家,　家,　家,　多么奇妙的概念,　是人,　是地理,　也是抽象的感觉啊．　

感触

2008-11-13T16:18:00.000-08:00

终于在网上看了秦, 林1990年代初的滚滚红尘. 三毛的剧本以前就读过, 电影却一直没看过.
其实要说三毛的小说散文幼稚水平低, 估计是找得到理由, 但这剧写得实在不错. 也就她, 想得出把张爱玲的故事编一下, 弄出个紧凑完美的架构, 那样传奇动人. 尽管, 颇有些台词似乎欠自然.

和色戒比一下, 又不得不感叹, 张对她自己人物之冷是无人能及. 三毛的整个剧都洋溢作者对女主角的认同, 吸引读者/观众也跟着爱她; 李安也喜欢这样, 能硬给佳芝一个痛苦的童年来拉同情. 他们都是很好很好的艺术家. 但, 只有张爱玲是最最特别的. 只有她, 能冷静残忍地对自己的主角毫不留情, 揭开他们最隐密的欲望和罪恶, 让我们看人性怎样明暗交织, 善恶难辨. 而她自己和胡兰成的故事亦充满进退维谷的困境, 让人无法说是说非.

2008-11-12T14:46:00.000-08:00

I don't know if it's the problem of my firefox or this long-loved blogspot has started disappointing me-- whenever I typed Chinese, the browser would just go down and everything went lost. C-r-a-p, I almost shouted! It'll be stupid to stop blogging altogether just because of this, right, especially when now I'm kind of determined to blog more in Chinese?

Or, perhaps, I'll just give up and keep blogging in English?

Anyways, it's been raining for two weeks, perhaps more, and I started wondering, together with Eugene, when we'll ever be able to go to the zoo. Elephant, Bear, Lion, Tiger, Giraffe, Hyena, Kangaroo, Gorilla, and his favorite--Oranguta. Why does a child love animals? I don't even know how to explain the very concept of "zoo" to him. I never realized it could be so hard. Why these cages? Where are they from? Why don't we just let them be in the jungle? Why do we have to "know" them?

2008-11-09T00:18:00.001-08:00

dissertation的日程永远落后, 我每天都在想放弃整个PHD.
离ann arbor太远, 是不是个理由, 可当初三年费尽心血过了考试吃的苦, 就这么算了?
一晃这么些年, 最近, 连失败的感觉都淡了, 只是无味.

Another sketch

2008-10-29T11:38:00.000-07:00

前天半夜, L忽然说, K在MSN找他. 我也一惊. 几年不联络, 此兄有事要说? 果然, 寒暄之后说结婚了. 我们当然说恭贺, 但想想, 也非什么惊人消息, 莫非还有更大的新闻在后面讲? 又天马行空半天, K才发来一网址, 说想分享一下刚读到的文章, 一时找不到人, 遂在网上抓住L。点开一看, 无非一小愤青说国内某些地方某些事。我和L大笑不止，并又一次感叹，我们老了，K却永远还是K。

仔细一算, 很惊人的, 我和K十二三岁起就认识了. 一直佩服他的才华. 他的画有清新又浓烈的美, 而且有种effortless的魅力，再热烈的色彩布局都仿佛信手拈来, 真实自然. 他小时候写的散文也很好, 看东西有非一般的视角，总是新奇可爱的. 我最初看过的科幻小说都是他介绍的. 记忆里, 他成天为些非正统的东西兴高采烈, 一直让老师头疼, 在那样死板的体制里, 他代表不听话，行为举止不着边际。高中时候，我很快去念文科, 不太知道他的事, L有一段和他接近，后来告诉我他那时对纯科学的向往。大学以后，就断了联系, 听说他莫名其妙念了地质系, 拿个敲石头的小锤子四处晃，我倒是很能想象他穿着破牛仔裤拎个锤子的样子。

零零年左右流行网上同学录的时候，很多人一下找回联系. 那时我们在新加坡, L 有天说K在网上露面了, 我们才知道他在香港。好象是零二年的上半年，K要到新加坡开会, 兴奋地通知了我们。（to be continued）

2008-10-21T13:02:00.000-07:00

Am I outgrowing my passion for poetry? Otherwise how could I feel so tired of the texts I'm studying and going to study for the dissertation and the research afterward?

The email interview with the Canadian poet started in a way worse than I expected, and the ongoing q-and-a bores me to the degree that I wanted to shout: give me something new and fresh and painful and profound and exhilarating and shiningly red and golden as the maple leaves! To him or to myself, I don't know, though. Must be my fault--stupid questions make boring interviews, don't they?

My interest in film as an art form seems completely gone. The other day I was in the public library, returning Eugene's books and trying to find something new for him. I suddenly came across a whole collection of Ingmar Bergman. Three or four years ago I would have definitely checked them out. The dvd's looked quite new, tempting indeed. But the current me! -- I picked some from the collection, read a bit of the blurbs and then just put them back, saying to myself: well, I don't have time to see them; probably won't forever.

2008-10-15T10:18:00.000-07:00

久不写了, 实在没什么好记. 高兴的不高兴的, 无非一觉睡了, 都接着忙, 这是不是
终级的安静?

随便记

2008-10-01T15:03:00.000-07:00

在家里已经喝过咖啡了,　所以，我在柜台里只拿了一罐牛奶，收银机后面一如既往开开心心的老头儿惊问――就这个?　我点头，　他惊呼―― A complex woman with a simple taste!　只是为了让我,　也让他自己笑一笑吧．　　

――其实在安娜堡的时候, 我几乎从不在咖啡店读书写作, 只有课间匆匆去买东西或者见老师见朋友. 但这些年在加州和现在的华盛顿, 远离安娜堡的时候, 却总喜欢在咖啡店里写东西了. 在热闹的人群里, 在陌生人谈生意谈保险谈工作谈情说爱的声音里, 我写诗写散文写我永远写不完的小说, 还有不知什么时候能写完的论文. 我喜欢看好脾气的店员和顾客玩笑, 也喜欢看当班的警察或UPS送货人疲惫的笑脸, 和他们拿了咖啡甜饼狼吞虎咽的样子, 或者打扮土土的小本科生看报纸看试卷认真的神情, 那个年纪是反叛的时候, 但他们自己并不知道他们对世间一切有多认真.

奇怪的, 从小爱在安静的地方读书的我, 会喜欢坐在这样吵闹的地方工作. 现在大多数时间都独处, 这是我接触人群的唯一方式了？

----

昨晚又抱着Eugene一起跳舞, 我们咯咯笑成一团.我们的"跳舞", 其实就是跟着音乐旋转摆动身体.对于舞台表演的舞蹈, 我小时候有种向往, 觉得神奇美妙, 后来慢慢丢开了. 近来因为Eugene, 又想起. 也想起爸爸, 去年夏天回家还和他一块看了一晚上电视里的芭蕾舞剧灰姑娘. 妈妈也说好看, 但好象没有爸爸那么喜欢. 真有意思, 爸爸没正经学过什么艺术, 但能画画, 也爱听音乐, 那种喜好浑然天成. 我自己已经好象被学院训练的文学欣赏弄得找不到最初纯自然的爱好了, Eugene倒让我重新看到, 爸爸的, 我的, 兴趣.

Cool 就一个字

2008-09-27T00:12:00.000-07:00

http://poetrydaily.net/poem.php?date=14150

Kevin Young是我近两年开始喜欢的诗人. Poetry Daily上的这一首短诗, 我一下读完, 感觉好象闷热天里吃了碗冰, 从里到外清爽冰凉. Cool的原意不就是凉快么! 还有比这更干净简洁又情感生动的字句么!

费加罗婚礼序曲

2008-09-17T11:19:00.000-07:00

我们听古典音乐是这几年的事. L比我更着迷一些, CD都是他做了research以后买的, 他爱贝多芬更爱马勒, 我好象不太受得了强有力或极深沉至创伤感的听觉感受, 比较能接受巴赫, 第一次认真听就觉得忽然明白了什么叫"如沐春风", 那些古老的弦乐协奏曲让我全身心舒坦, 有要跟随旋转舞蹈的冲动.

可是可是, 要说爱一样东西, 在我们家, 没人能比Eugene更全心投入爱到极致了. 他最最最喜欢的音乐是莫扎特费加罗婚礼的序曲. 第一次听到, 只有一岁半的胖Eugene就跟着欢快的节奏动膝盖起舞了. 此后常常听, 发展到拒绝任何其他CD, 只要这一张的这一支曲子! 我陪着听到做梦都是这旋律在响的地步, 感叹竟弄出审美疲劳来.

九个月过去了, Eugene两岁多了, 会说很多中文的英文的词了, 有了很多老的新的朋友, 听了很多东方的西方的故事儿歌, 长了很多爬高上低的本事, 对曾经白天黑夜都要的牛奶没了胃口, 对几个月前爱不释手的小鸭子的书也早没了最初的耐心和热情. 但是对费加罗婚礼序曲, 他依然乐此不疲! 任何时候见到那张CD都眼睛一亮, 听的时候要拉着我们一起跳舞. 我们拿了一份去幼儿园, 让他和小朋友分享音乐, 连老师都吃惊于他对这曲子的热爱.

就象天上下着的细雨, 山里流淌的瀑布, 草丛里冒出的野花, 路上忽然出现的野兔小鹿, Eugene象爱它们一样爱着莫扎特的这支曲子. 一定是莫扎特的魔力吧, 让没有什么后天审美经验的小孩子如此, 如此喜欢.

2008-09-04T23:17:00.001-07:00

When we finally settled down in the area where the sky was always full of clouds,
the political news coverage became increasingly colorful
and fun to read just like an intricately-woven fiction piece. I sat,
exhausted yet highly intrigued, reading the New York Times, lost in a world as alien,
seeing myself dressed in bright orange paint and flying in an ever dark sphere.

Dear Eugene, your first days in this new day care were traumatizing to mommy.
I was even more nervous than I had felt in those early days
at the UM English department. For your smooth transition and all your happiness
in these past few days, mommy wants to thank everyone and—life itself.

I was driving around the shopping area near the town center, when it occurred
to me that I shouldn’t blame all those friends. It was me.
I simply drifted away from them, like a leaf, a melody heard
only vaguely in distance, or a small piece of joke that lost its flavor in time.
One of them once wrote, “you’re in such contrast with me—you’ve been going
farther and farther, while I remain here, almost forever.”

搬家之后, 几句

2008-08-23T23:03:00.000-07:00

过去的一个月好象有几年那么长
我几乎不记得自己blog的地址
其实, 就是累
转家具店, 买各种日用杂货, 仿佛永远做不完的unpacking
还有一个跑过来跳过去破坏力无穷的小子需要注意力
论文呢? 我不知道那是关于什么
美国, 美国,
我连这都开始怀疑起来
疲惫不是积极思考的时候
维生素能不能让我振作, 一如少年时见到喜欢的笑脸
还有钙片
吞咽是这样被动的行为吧, 因为总和哭泣关联

2008-07-24T10:51:00.000-07:00

Read this little prose poem from today's poetrydaily, http://poetrydaily.net/poem.php?date=14085

Theodore Worozbyt's "Portrait"

Since when have I become so interested in prose poems, especially those in a deceptively bland style? The quiet narrative voice somehow reminds me of myself-- an ideal voice I wish I could write in one day.

Saving Face

2008-07-23T13:39:00.000-07:00

Today's lunch, I saw Alice Wu's 2004 prize-winning film _Saving Face_, starring Joan Chen, Michelle Krusiec, and Lynn Chen. Fabulous performances from the leading roles and a story nicely told-- a really nice work to watch!

有劲两岁补记

2008-07-17T10:37:00.000-07:00

有劲两岁, 至今仍只用单字，不太会自己把两个词连起来造句，而且说话也基本只限于在家，　外人面前不出声. 　着急他不说话也不是一天两天了, 就开始在自己身上找原因, 可能, 真的是因为我是个话少的人? 刺激他不够? 而且, 我自己社交能力也不怎么样, 他的确从我这儿学不到太多啊.

说起来, 大概, 一切有关人的事, 对有劲来说, 都没有自然万物更有意思. 他爱所有见过的动物. 鸡鸭常常去喂, 自不必说了, 小猫小狗必是要摸摸看看的, 松鼠野兔鸟儿要跟着跑, 动物园里的羚羊猩猩长颈鹿都要拍了照片回来在电脑上反复回味. 除了动物, 绿草野花树枝也仿佛有无穷的吸引力, 在草坪上打滚是最惬意的事了,　偶尔看到的蒲公英简直就是有劲最爱的最爱. 最可笑是有一天跟爸爸看到了正下山的太阳, 鲜红欲滴, 美不胜收, 有劲竟低下头作若有所思状, 就差当下赋诗一首了, 从此记得要在傍晚去那个特定的地点看夕阳.

想想也是, 天地间可看可听的东西这么多, 人们忙忙碌碌的营生在有劲眼里一定奇怪而无味吧. 比如, 为什么要为了吃饭坐在那里那么久, 窗外的风吹着树, 鸟儿在树上叫, 都等着我们去看去听!　为什么大人们走来走去见了面必要对着说许多莫名其妙的话, 对周遭的景物却又都不管不顾?

因为有劲,　我真实地爱上了Orchard Park－－学校租给研究生的廉价公寓，房子老旧,　小区环境保养马虎，被很多美国人觉得破败不堪而不屑一顾．但难得这里有两个大playground, 设施齐全．　而且树多,　又临着大片没开发的荒草地,　附近还有人种菜,　种果树，养鸡和火鸡，有点原始的自然感觉，加上戴维斯最不缺的阳光,　小孩子的户外活动可以丰富多彩．又因为居住环境拥挤,　邻居间距离近,　很容易邻里交往，是个热闹所在,　孩子们不愁没有玩伴．等有劲长大了,　还能记得这里天天看见所以一点都不希奇的兔兔，小鸡,　blue jay, 和松鼠,　集市上见的用奶瓶喝奶的小羊羔，以及邻居这群跟他一样或者比他还要皮的小朋友吗？

2008-07-09T15:29:00.000-07:00

在空调忽然停止运转的安静间歇
我看着房里太多要packing的东西长叹一声继续网络上
无聊的游荡, 用亦舒的口气, "不是不愧疚的. "
这些年没有一个夏天不疲惫地旅行或搬家
packing-unpacking是永远的主题
高中大学时的想象里这该何等多姿多彩
是我幸运吧, 心想事成倒底难得
而事成之后的幻灭又是个不同故事

离开, 离开总是难,
戴维斯灼烧般的阳光, 即便此刻让人哭笑不得无处躲藏, 大概也会成为日后怀想吧.
倒是没有太多人要说再见,

以上这些有没点通俗言情味道?

sizzling hot

2008-07-08T09:46:00.001-07:00

Another week of high temperatures-- today it'll get to 112 degrees Fahrenheit/44 Celsius

2008-07-07T15:07:00.000-07:00

recent readings:

God of Small Things
Madam Bovary
Mad Science in Imperial City

读后感乱涂

2008-06-30T14:39:00.000-07:00

窗外的梧桐, 初夏的风, 我奢侈地享受
铁观音香潤如一句诗里的隐喻, 看定购多时周末终于到货的书
前卫实在不应该只是fancy节奏另类词藻以及科学符号当意象
我想掩卷大笑,
关于混乱的青春同性的情意和政治
政治无疾而终的理想, 有没有身体以外的探索可能
关于故国神游
除了俄底浦斯式的伤痛, 还有没有更新鲜的话题
是我已经成了这么一个jaded reader
早厌倦了不加解释的后现代拼贴?
还是, 关于这些跨文化作者,
我的疑问终于成形----有多种语言选择的时候,
撇开市场问题不谈, 我们为什么/如何选择一种语言写作而放弃其他?

2008-06-24T22:44:00.000-07:00

十年前, 就是六月, 我在毕业离开北京前最后一次去表舅家, 看到他们在美国游大瀑布拍的录像, 心里阴晴不定, 因为挣扎了很久, 决定暂时把出国的念头放一放. 那时很难想象, 十年后的现在, 真的到了太平洋这一边这样的生活. 四月里去Buffalo开会有一晚去了大瀑布, 美东还是天寒地冻的时候, 我在冰冷的水雾里想起当年, 倒也没有什么感慨.

这些天坐火车在Davis和Berkeley之间来来回回, 看窗外北加州大片农田, 想起上大学时每学期的火车, 意识到那时梦想和憧憬太多, 还不太会看风景. 现在眼光比较安静. 在Davis住了这两年多, 从valley到湾区跑了那么多次, 都没有这些天火车上的景致让我更喜欢北加州. 翠绿的田地, 明亮刺眼的阳光, 荒芜海滩上跳跃的鸟儿, 画了一幅和硅谷里匆忙的公路上截然不同的图景, 只显得富足平静.

今天下午, 我从Berkeley美术馆阴暗一角的Pacific Film Archive里钻出来, 拿着一包玉米片(corn chips 怎么翻译?)补错过的午饭, 慢慢走到地铁站去, 有成群的本科生从身边走过, 花枝招展, 忽然就非常self-consciously地想念起曾经小小的语言学院, 和花了好久才喜欢上可是很快又离开的Ann Arbor.

speaking, hearing, and overhearing

2008-06-21T09:36:00.000-07:00

So many of your books were written in the year
I was born, and the most beautiful one,
printed on white canvas, with double strings attached
to each page as if anyone could tie the book up
and silence it any way s/he chooses,
was made in December that year, the month I was born.

We were almost in the same story, then,
weren't we--when I first opened my eyes to the dim light
of a winter night, bathed in my mother's water and blood,
you were probably writing the cover lines,
depicting pomegranate seeds with impressionist
"red tears" and "blood pearls."

"Yes, 'idol,' i-d-o-l, as in 'I idolize you.'"
Am I idolizing you by reading, rereading, imagining, and rewriting?

Archival work

2008-06-20T10:57:00.001-07:00

Went to Berkeley Art Museum/ PFA twice this week, and will have to go again next week.
browsing Cha's notes and documents for her video work yesterday, i for the very first time in my life realized how mesmerizing archival work could be. it was travelling back to a time through the precious manuscripts and old photos. exploring Cha's ideas through her own handwritten notes seemed to have brought me so unimaginably close to her that a direct conversation almost started in my mind!

又看丰子恺

2008-06-12T11:18:00.000-07:00

http://www.zikai.org/

今早在网上闲逛, 连来连去上了这个网站, 重温丰子恺的漫画和散文, 不经意间, 感动到热泪盈眶.
小时候就喜欢看他那些儿童漫画了, 象瞻瞻拿两把扇子作自行车骑的小画, 早已经深深刻在记忆里, 每次看都忍不住微笑.
有了有劲之后, 对一切有关小孩子的东西关切程度自然更不一样. 今天看到那些早已熟悉的小画, 因为对小孩子的种种童稚又超出大人想象的举止有了切身感受, 越发倍感亲切, 更觉得丰子恺对儿童的天真烂漫把握得完美贴切. 而他那些关于自己孩子的散文, 记录他们童年点滴, 伤感他们(又何尝不是我们!)在成长中必然失却的原初性情, 真挚感人, 让我感动也让我惭愧.

有劲还不满两岁, 但美国人说的terrible two已迹象明显, 是家里捣乱大王. 开了冰箱乱翻, 乱拍电脑键盘, 故意往地上身上倒水倒汤, 不爱吃的东西从碗里挑出来扔掉, 任何事情不合心意必大哭不止, 凡此种种, 每每让我多有呼呵. 其实, 我是多么应该更好地珍惜享受他一生中最可宝贵的现在, 他不受纷扰细心观察一切的现在, 他无所顾虑时刻真情流露的现在.

一章又一章

2008-06-09T13:49:00.000-07:00

上一章写得辛苦, 放在那儿实在提不起精神改, 计划中要做的诗人采访还搁置着, 没什么热情.

这些天东看西看, 倒是联系了Berkeley美术馆去作下一章的准备工作. 关于Theresa Cha的那本书大家已说得太多, 我在想不知她的电影和installation art(中文译作什么?)作品里有没可以长篇大论来写的东西, 所以要去Berkeley看一下. Theresa Cha的东西似乎属于那种经典的前卫, 虽然表面看眼花缭乱, 但内涵清楚, 又有很具体的历史思考, 大概因此很受学者的喜爱. 在A2的第一年快结束的时候, 我对Cha简单直白却又充满疼痛的字句及其中表现出的对历史的洞察一见钟情, 这几年始终无法忘怀Dictee最初给我的冲击, 一度想就这一本书来写一章. 可是把已有的研究看了看之后发现这本书好象实在没太多好写了, 我那篇图文并茂的会议论文最多也就能做一章中的一小部分而已, 郁闷. 但愿下星期去Berkeley能有什么美好发现.

我们书房窗外, 几只blue jay好象想在院子里搭窝.

2008-06-05T15:40:00.000-07:00

I've been catching up on the back issues of New Yorker, PMLA, Poetry, and Journal of AAStudies these days. The feeling is like having too much cheese cake-- one piece for an afternoon tea is perfect, but imagine having one after another nonstop for several hours and continuously for several days!

But for moments of ecstasy brought by words like these, I really wouldn't know what's the point of subscribing to all these journals and magazines:

"In the end, we all outlast the object of our adoration, perhaps because passion runs its course more swiftly than other human emotions, perhaps as a result of excessive familiarity with the object of desire." --from a story by Roberto Bolano, New Yorker of Nov 26, 2007

--Isn't the passage simply brilliant?